I applied for a job.

I applied for a REAL job. Sort of.
I sent an E-mail in actually.

You can’t imagine how apprehensive I am.
This position was MADE for me and I it.

…’food knowledge, writing ability and social networking savvy…’

HELLLllllooooooo…

You tell me.

Does that describe me or what!?

Food Knowledge…

I’m the girl that when I’m asking about the Caesar Salad I ask if it has anchovies…because if it doesn’t then it isn’t a real Caesar Salad…sorry…and the dressing SHOULD have been made with anchovies.
Some of my friends cringe when they go out with me to restaurants because they know I’m going to ask tons of questions when the server approaches me.

The other day we went to Chedders.

When it was my turn to order I asked for all sorts of sauces so I could try them all.
All the while I took pictures of the food...


I know more about food and how it’s supposed to be prepared and HOW to do it myself than the average person.
I’ve eaten...
…Anticuchos in Peru.
…Curries in India.
…Sushi in Japan.
…Biscuits and Gravy in Illinois.
…Eels in China.
…Poi in Hawaii (and I think it’s gross).
…Food I can’t even pronounce in Korea.
I think you get the idea…
I’m not cocky…I’m confident and those that know me can attest to my VAST knowledge of food.

Writing Ability...

This could be contested…my ability that is...
I fancy myself a writer but I know I’m not legitimate.
I’ve never been published.
I have no formal schooling.
Hell, I can’t even spell!…shhhhh…that’s top secret;)

Social Networking Savvy…

I got this one too!
I have fan sites on FaceBook with fans!!!
Ok, this one could go against me…
I’m well aware that…
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Everyone-should-have-a-funny-Wiccan-in-their-life-that-loves-Chick-Fil-A/107965692573092
or
https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Un-Holy-Trinity-Me-Myself-and-I/177690712284325

…might not go over well...

I have a Twitter account with followers…not many but I DO have some.

I have this fabulous blog...
I live my life un fettered and truthful…on line.
…and I swear like a sailor.

I’m asking someone to overlook a great deal while considering me for this position.

I’m a bit controversial…I’ve been told but I don’t think I am.
...and for a company to not be afraid to have MY name as a header under their own is HUGE!

It’s not even that big of a job or position but I WANT it!
I want it so bad that I have considered having as many people that will stand behind me send an E-mail to…
warren@coloradosprings.com

Telling him how awesome I really am and how you love reading my stuff…
That you know how knowledgable I am with regards to food…
That I have this internet/Social Networking thing down…
…or whatever else you would like to say…

I want this so bad I’m either shooting myself in the foot by doing this…or I’m gonna get it!

Patellar Tendentious and the Constandindes: Perspective

In December ’10, I had torn my ACL, Meniscus and MCL…

I saw my Doc last month…as I complained, bitched and moaned explained the trouble I was having due to the pain I have.

Note…He is the one person that knows my frustration as I don’t like to burden those around me…although I do at times with my bitchiness…but I let it all out one day, un-fettered. He knows how I’m really feeling….physically.

Doc…”As always Kristin, you are an anomaly.”
That was a month ago as he explained to me that it’s been 5 years since he has seen a case of Patellar Tendentious after an ACL replacement surgery.

My Surgery was 6 months ago.

My knee was fine a few months ago…that’s when I was told I didn’t have to wear my leg brace in public places anymore.
So I put it in the back in one of my many closets hidden amongst my collection of many fabulous purses , boots and shoes.

My Doc, Derek, put me on an anti-inflammatory, Indomethacin.
I took my pill once a day…it’s did nothing at all for me.
I did however have no problems on my Road trip with Kat…could be that I was sitting for days and while at my parents house Camp Walland there were hardly any stairs.
Two days after I got home the pain right under my kneecap hit me like a force as I would trod up and down ALL my stairs? Yes.
...I’m not even mentioning the pain of my IT band and at my incisions, of which I have 5, but only 2 do I feel any discomfort pain.

The other day I took a friend to Manitou Springs and we walked around. My knee was killing me the whole time. I am really good at hiding things. People, issues and pain to be exact…
…well…I am a bit bitchier when I’m in pain. I’m sure my friends can attest to that.

I saw my Doc again today.
I walked in wearing a pair of shoes I bought months ago but had never worn. I’ve only worn heels 3 times…not to include my patent leather, calf high Doc Martens that have a thick 4 inch heel.
I did it because I knew I wouldn’t be on my feet long and I really like looking’ good and after the road trip Kat and I went on I’ve felt the need to look like a girl and dress like one.
It hurts to wear heels though.

Doc…”I thought about you all day yesterday knowing I would see you today.”
He understood my issue and has been concerned for me. He’s a great Doc with a fantastic bedside manner. I can’t tell you how glad I have HIM as My Orthopedic Surgeon. I consider him a friend as well as my Doctor.

We don’t just talk about my own stupid issues…we talk about real things...

...He asked me if I knew the the Constantinides. From what I’ve heard an amazing couple who adopted 3 children, 2 from China and one from Korea. The Mom and three Children were killed in a flash flood while they were camping in Wyoming. He was personal friends with them and Alex, the husband is the only survivor. We talked about the whys…
Derek…”Don’t you wonder why it happens to people like that? Where’s the Karma?”
With all the wisdom I can gather…and having read about them after the incident I have gathered that the Constantindes had a message of love and adoption to share with the world.
Me…”It’s horrible…But now how many people are more aware of what they did and how great they are/were.”
Derek, I think, thinks that because I adopted three children myself I can be put into the same-ish category. I can’t. My children are just that, MY Children and it’s just well, simply put, how I ‘had’ kids. Years ago I sat on “how to” panels for potential adoptive parents…but that was YEARS ago.
I’m torn up about what seems like a senseless loss and have no idea how on earth Alex could possibly being dealing…I just want to give this stranger a hug, but it would be THE most useless gift.

Back to my knee...
Ice my knee twice a day.
I have some new meeds. as well, 2 anti-inflammatories…
Diclofenac, by mouth once a day.
…and a flector patch that sticks to my knee.

Note…This patch I read can also be used for menstrual cramps…I might give it a try in about a week or so…;) Doc, when you read this I want you to know I’m just kiddin’.

Build up my Quads.
Doc…”You are really skinny and it might bother you but I want your quads huge and strong."
Work on my core and hips…
….and he told my Children who sat quietly during my visit that I had to stop going up and down the stairs as much as I could.
This last one is going to be THE hardest of all instructions he’s given me and he is very aware of it.
I live in a 4 story house….to get anywhere I have to go up and down stairs.
He also put me on a new pain killer…
…Those around me can thank Derek for hopefully putting a squash on my bitchiness.

…As I type this out I know my issues are TINY compared to other peoples. I’m thankful that this is my only physical issue.
Putting things into perspective is not always easy but necessary.
I have EVERYTHING…my health…not to mention my family intact!
…And family and friends that love me.

Laurel Constantinides, 39, Hannah, 8, Zoe, 5, and Lucy, 2, drowned July 19 when their van was swept off a washed-out highway as the family evacuated a campground.

Read more:Hundreds mourn Springs mom, daughters swept away in flood - The Denver Posthttp://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_18564110#ixzz1TRbtxObQ
Read The Denver Post's Terms of Use of its content: http://www.denverpost.com/termsofuse

How To Find Out Who’s Viewing Your Profile On FaceBook

I know how to find out who’s visiting your FaceBook profile…
…Stick with me!
...Bear with me!
...Just listen ok!

I’m not a FaceBook stalker. I hardly ever go to someones actual page.
I do comment on friends statuses and picture’s but my own page doesn’t show what I comment on because all ‘the extras’ are deleted immediately…I like my page Clean…and ALL ABOUT ME! :) The Un-Holy Trinity of Me, Myself and I.

Note…anyone that clicks on any app that says
… “Find out if someone is stalking you”
…”You can now find out who is stalking you on FaceBook”
…Are complete bullshit.

The search box on the top of the your FaceBook page…is the ‘secret’ I’m gonna let you in on and how it works…
Have you ever just randomly typed in a letter to see what names come up?
I have a lot of time on my hands to think about THE oddest things…

So you enter a letter and names start showing up…
You might think that the ones you have the most interactions with are the ones that show up the most…Nope…I don’t interact with some of these people at all!
…and you will notice that it’s seems random.

Let’s say you type out the letter…
…C…
People will come up that perhaps or perhaps not have a last name that starts with a C, a first name or a middle name…
…It seems all random and shit. I don’t think it’s random.

Sometimes someone who is NOT a friend…but a friend of a friend shows up BEFORE my own friends…

Note…On my Facebook account I have a couple photo albums that are public or can be seen by friends of friends…On purpose, for my own reasons.
I can only imagine that some of my photos are used for some dudes spank bank. I’m cool with it.

Sometimes these names get ‘reorganized’…and then other times the SAME people show up religiously! …and I have no interaction with them…

I did some research and FB says there is NO WAY you can tell who’s stalking you…
…but…
…This is MY theory…
…and I think I’m on the $money$ for reals people!!!

I can not prove it though because then I would have to ask "so and so”, or "so and so”, or “so and so”…
Me…”Do you really LOOK at my Profile all the time!"
It’s ok if you are I’m not gonna get my panties in a wad. My FB page is there for you to see...and I don’t care really if you stalk me…I know I’m stalk worthy….and humble.

So what’s your take on my theory?

Movies Vs Reality: Friends With Benefits

Love Stories: Movie ones Vs Reality…
Love Stories: Friends With Benefits.
Love Stories: No Strings Attached.
Love Stories: Movies ones Vs Reality...

My taste in films differs then that of the 'normal' girl.
My girl friends drag me along to the theater every few months. I’m not on the selection committee. They take me to see those silly 'love' stories.
You know the kind I am talking about?
They are about as quickly written as a box of instant mashed potatoes is cooked, both leave an odd aftertaste as well. Some people like instant mashed potatoes.

Those kind of films also make me SAD. I despise being sad, it is just THE most unrealistic crap.

I also have observed that they give women/girls the wrong idea…I’m sorry ladies/girl’s there is no such thing as a knight in shining armor, carriage rides or any such crap thing.
I’ll cover more of this at the end of this TrainWreck Blog.

I look at these films as…
...'I think there is a better chance of something paranormal happening to me before love.'
I don’t like instant mashed potatoes.

Last night we went to see 'Friends With Benefits'…
SuppoSadly Supposedly a modern day love story.
Is there really such a thing as a modern day love story?

Justin is…”Emotionally unavailable."
Mila is…”Emotionally damaged."
…Helllloooooooo…if you are single you are probably either one or the other or you are so ‘emotionally damaged’ you become 'emotionally unavailable’!
…and with time and experience it becomes a dreadful spiral down into an abyss...
Have you met me yet?


The negatives…
…It was sold as a ROMANTIC comedy.
However, just like the film 'Bridesmaids', in the trailer they didn’t show anything pertaining to a serious undertone…
…Having to deal with a family member that has oldtimers alzheimer’s.
My GodMother, a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman….and WAY to young…has alzheimer's. I didn’t want to think about my cousins and my GodFather having to deal with this so sad degenerative disease and her own struggle knowing what’s happening to her!
I wanted to laugh…not get all introspective!…again!
…It went on forever…


The positives…
…The trailers did not show every funny bit of the film…they were a few more…
…Justin Timberlake has an amazing body and I got to see is ass butt...
…I love seeing Flash Mobs...
…I liked Mila’s Mom’s character and Woody Harrelson is hilarious...
…It was much better than 'No Strings Attached’…

If you want to watch a really good ‘Love’ story…

There are a couple of ROMANTIC stories I do like, adore them is more appropriate probably. These were written with thought and depth…they are real to me. Real to me like butter is real…not that fake margarine hogwash. (I’m continuing my reference to mashed potatoes…use butter!)

'Like Water For Chocolate’
I never watch the dubbed version. The Spanish is the best. It’s a love story I understand, fraught with food, love, deception, family quarrels and...I’ll mention again the food. It’s probably my favorite movie of all time if anyone asked me, “What’s you’re favorite movie of all time?” I would answer, ‘Like Water For Chocolate’.
Gertrudis, Mama Elena, Rosaura, Pedro and my hero, Tita.
Tita is the daughter of Elena. Tita is a brilliant cook. She puts her heart, soul and feelings into everything she makes. As she does this those feelings are transferred to those that eat her food, be it happiness, sadness or something a little more on the erotic side…I dream of people feeling the emotions I put into the food I make. I thirst that I could have the prowess Tita has in La Cocina.
I am not gonna give you a low down on the whole film. If you’ve never seen it, you should.
I also own the book, it’s pages turned with love many times.

Another of my other favorite love stories is..

‘The End Of The Affair’.
It’s a strange love story that takes place during the London Blitz. It’s about two Men who love one Woman. I find the heart of this movie places some in an uncomfortable position. I will repeat, I find the heart of this movie places some in an uncomfortable position. I cry every time I watch it.
…It’s a REAL story about love.
………………………………….

I’ve been on maybe 10 real dates in the last 2 years…Holyshit…It’s been 3, not 2 years…
I’ve had FWB/NSA/FB and the such..hell, we all have needs…I’m not ashamed…
…I however have coined another more polite name for it…
…In HomeDating…
I do not however have one night stands.

It’s actually easy to compartmentalize and NOT get involved emotionally with someone.
…and much safer.

A bit of advice ladies/girls…

…If you want flowers buy them yourself.

…If you want a Knight in shining armor learn to fight for yourself.

…Some men are actually just as emotionally unstable as women.

…Let go of your idea of an ideal man…everyone has some issues and you should date out of your box once in awhile. This isn’t me telling to lower your standards…you should NOT do that, not ever. 

…The moment your sixth sense tells you it’s wrong…it is…GET OUT!

…On-line dating is stupid.

…When on a first date…

If you like him let him pay.

If you don’t like him go dutch.

…When on a second date…

If you like him YOU pay.

If you don’t like him…you should not be out with him.

Tell your friends with who and where you are going…and let them know when you get home.

…Be yourself…even if you are a totally dork.

…Don’t try to be all cool, that makes you NOT cool.

…Sex…If you have a 3rd or 5th date rule…you are a grown up. Stop with the rules. I have rules and wish I didn’t because whenever I break them I either miss out or…well, it wasn’t worth my naked time.

I consider my writing/blog a warning/caution sign for men…

I don’t need saving.  

…Men want to save…and they think they can…they can’t. 

Note…I’ve noticed that many men I have been with end up with a needy, on the verge of psycho, drama queen. 

I wonder what attracts them to these attributes?

It confuses the shit out of me.

I’m not that. 

…Ok, The above statement could be argued…My POV is that if there is/was any drama it was created by THEM not me…and I would argue that point till you are sick of my voice!

If I was I probably would have a boy-friend.

I am emotionally damaged therefor emotionally unavailable.

…but the ride down into the emotional void abyss is only temporary for me…because I always have company…

…The Un-Holy Trinity that makes Me, Myself and I…Kristin.

Road Trip: Harrowing Moments

Note...

<——I hated looking in the rear view mirrors in construction zones!





I’d like to tell you a bit about one of my FAVORITE T.V. shows…

TOP GEAR

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, James May…and The Stig.

They are witty, smart, adorable and I think I am in love with each one of them.

It’s a show I watch on BBC America. I love BBC America. We Americans steal all the Brits great shows…Being Human, Top Gear and The office to name 3…

…Thank the God’s that they haven’t touched Dr. Who.

Note…I attended a British Primary school in Oman for 5 years. I love British humor.

I have never ever seen the US version…I can’t be bothered.

Top Gear...

It’s a car show.

It’s not really JUST a car show…

They travel the world on adventures in the crappiest vehicles…across salt flats, through jungles and just around the top gear race track.

They also get to drive some of the baddest ass mother fucking cars in the world like…

….the Bugatti Veyron.

I have never driven one but would love to one day.

I love driving.

I did get to drive this bad ass bitch—--—>

The MRap.

This Road trip Kat, our 5 MoFo’s Children and I went on wasn’t all perfect…
It was our own little version of a Top Gear challenge...

We had a few problems, issues and it was a learning experience...

…We used our ingenuity to fix all the problems as well as time…yes, with time some things fixed themselves.

Note…Kat is a 29 year old widowed Mother of 2…a just 3 year old girl, Fatty and Tiny, a 5 year old boy (not their real names). She has over come odds I cannot imagine and I admire her for her achievements so far. She is sharp, witty, very funny and logical.

Before we left on our trip she studied EVERY component to our her hitch.

<------The Hensley hitch...

The second morning we woke to a problem. There was a screw that held in one of the ‘braces’ …(I did NOT study the finer nuances of the hitch)…she explained to me that inside the screw was a spring…well it was stuck. This was a tiny screw, maybe 1 and 1/2 inches long on each end were two cap of sorts that we needed to remove but they were both not budging…we tried and tried...in the rain with the MoFo’s Children running around us getting all up in our business playing. 

We took turns with it. Each of us respecting each other as the other tried…walking away sometimes to think…not being mean and sometimes laughing...as we would have been stranded here could we not figure it out.

…No one to call but AAA or USAA…and that was NOT gonna happen…

Kat finally got a cap off…I had loosened it for her…Ok, not really.

Then came time to get the spring out. She took it to the picnic bench placed holding the screw with pliers and with her ingenious skills and time got the sponge out…and away we drove…

…but not so fast…because as I drove the Sequoia it felt like what can only be described as pushing and pulling…What the Fuck!?…

We kept on driving though hoping it would work it’s self out and it did…but it did happen a couple more times…and we still don’t know why.

One evening she looked at me and said…(having to do with another part)...
Kat…”Hey, you and your monkey strength got this on here…get your monkey strength over here and get it off now…”

Every morning before we started off we would check the turn signals and the brakes making sure everything was kosher safe and in working order…and almost every time something wasn’t working, usually the left turn signal…we would drive off anyway…go about a mile, pull over, get out and…
…TaDa!!! …everything was good to go…however the running lights still weren’t working...
Well…
...On the way home we got caught in a torrential downpour as I drove…The rain ended and we needed gas…we find this shitty place to stop…and what did we discover?

<—Somehow this had happened and we had been driving for who knows how long…! In the downpour! we felt dreadful as we, yes, laughed again crossing our fingers we hadn’t caused any accidents behind us…
…but what to do? You can’t drive a 23 foot 5000+ camper with out electricity to signals and such…

A clip holder of such was clipped (I’m so technical) and we took the other wires that were held back as well and created another attachment for the wires and also enough slack for the electrical thingy to be able to plug into the SUV…Then we opened the hood and looked at the fuses thinking…maybe just maybe a fuse had blown and that’s why the running lights weren’t working…all the while these country bumpkins men gawked at us with our hands soiled and black and the MoFo’s Children screamed and yelled entertained themselves…
…to no avail. It was getting dark and we NEEDED running lights but had none…
So I went into the camper and turned all the lights on I could…hoping it would help...

Driving up and down hills…
…Was approached logically…and often slowly as to not burn the engine out.

I kept the Sequoia in 3rd gear up mountains hills.

<—Third gear is somewhereish between 23000 and 27000rpm’s.

This was not an easy task as we were being sped passed by what seemed like every soul out there. I stayed in the right lane though…as our speed slowed to the pace of a snail. Getting 4 MPG’s I would watch the speedometer and laugh and count down…
Me…”65, 63, 58, 52…Hahahhaaa! Hey Mister trucker man showing off…we got this!”…as trucks would what looked like speed past us.
Down hill I would try to get our speed up…to 71mph so I would at least have a head start up the hills…

This is us going down a hill, please note our gas milage!———>

We got a lot of dirty looks from people and I found that there was little consideration from drivers living in their little bubble world completely unaware that what we were doing was not easy and we could not go fast…When merging nobody wanted to be behind us so they wouldn’t let us in…it was very frustrating sometimes….but we laughed and would say…
…”Don’t be a hater!”

One thing I wasn’t worried about was flat tires…I got that one down…Thankfully we didn’t blow anything though!

We did have a funny moment with the hitch…This stability thing, (Man I wish I knew the names for these things!) we Kat normally didn’t put directly on the ground as we Kat had a ‘holder’…one night though it was put directly on the tarmac…we ended up taking back with us a souvenir which we removed when we landed got home…it’s in a plastic baggy, about 3 1/2 inches of tarmac from Ohio…

<——This is fatty, one of our many distractions.

I wonder how Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May would do under our circumstances? Two women with no mechanical training…with 5 MoFo’s Children to entertain, keep an eye on as they steal play with our tools …on a trip from the Rocky Mountains to the Smokey Mountains and back…having never done anything like this before?

Note…Kat, you are one fabulous woman and I learned SO much from you it’s ridiculous…and…
…”You are probably right."

Road Trip: Things Said...

Spending 2 weeks with someone who is not your spouse would normally be considered a challenge. I take that back spending 2 weeks non stop with your spouse might not be cool at all depending on your spouse OH Snap!.

Kat and I are two independent women with insane fantastic senses of humor we think.
So here we are driving across the country with our 5 MoFo’s Children, all of us packed like sardines, trapped and harnessed with not a gag insight!
I think we listened to Despicable Me 9 times…I’ve never seen it though…I think there is some quote about boogers in it?

When we started off, Kat was driving…I ended up driving the whole way after the first day as she saw it was actually something I really enjoyed and relaxed me. Yes, towing 5000++ Lbs is relaxing for me? I love a challenge.

Note…I love driving. I have a whole blog started about TopGear BBC America.

Kat has AT&T I have T-Mobile. My reception sucked! Every am after we got our shit together and were finally on the road she would read me the news…as she sat back with her feet and normally well pedicured toe nails now all jacked up, just like mine…jacked up, propped up on the windshield.

K…”So, Casey Anthony just got acquitted.”
Me…”You are shitting ME!”
….every morning we would discuss the happenings of her where abouts and what WE would do if we were her lawyer…
…The whole plane trip was funny awkward. I would have had look alikes like The cougar that is Padme Queen Amidila on StarWars each one getting off someplace different.

Brittany Spears and her bodyguard and how she farts all the time…

A horse fell into someones basement here in C-Springs and it couldn’t get out…

K…”Holy Shit!___de-friended me on FB! Quick…check if he de friended you too.”
Me…”Yup, me too!”
…yada, yada, shit talk, shit talk and more shit talk! Not really…we felt bad for him and wish he was more mature.

We would see something on the side of the road and I would say…
Me…”What the hell is that?”
Kat…”Let me google it!”

This is the largest cross in the world ———>


The first night in the trailer we climb into our sleeping area we are sharing…in separate sleeping bags…
Me…”When I sleep in the same bed with someone I usually kiss them goodnight.”…
…As I laughed and snorted trying to make her uncomfortable...
Kat…”There is a first for everything…and you won’t be kissing me!"
The second night...
Me…”You come here often? Wanna spoon.”
Kat…”Don’t you dare!You better have panties on too!”
…as we laugh and talk shit about people…we talked a lot of shit. We also talked about how cool we think are and how no one else would be stupid enough to try this…referring to female friends…the male ones are just as dumb cool as us.

Everyday I would bitch, complain mention the difficulties of the hitch…
K…"Thats it…when we get back I’m gonna hook this bitch up to the care with out the Hensely and see how you like towing the trailer!”
…She was serious. That hitch was fabulous and I have a whole blog about it I’m writing but we did have issues…

K as we drove through a rain storm…”I wonder how many accidents we have caused behind us that we can’t see…”
Me…”I don’t know, a corner is coming up…maybe we can see when we are going around this corner!”

All the while we are yelling at the MoFo’s children to be quiet.

The MoFo’s children were dreadfully loud fantastic most of the time.

We started out with one 11 week old puppy and ended up with 2 puppies at the end…
Colbalt, an 11 week old puppy and Pedro, an 8 week old puppy both Chiwawawawas Chihuahuas. Half brother puppies…Colbalt would always let us know if a stranger was around with is sweet weak little bark and Pedro is just a badass motherfucker who has no fear!

Pedro would walk all over the SUV and if we were driven and he needed to poop…he would poop on the Kansas map! So it must be true and everyone knows Kansas is shit.
It only happened twice but we just looked at each other and laughed hysterically as the smell of dog poo permeated the inclosed space and the MoFo’s Children would complain and cover the noses with their shirts.

We talked often about our coolness. We wondered about the naysayers and the haters we have in our lives.

We FB’ed each other like idiots as we sat next to each other…

Kristin 

Not lookin so fine...fat feet and stupid curls… at McDonalds.

July 18 at 12:30pm via Android · 

• • 
    

     Thanks for the seat tea. It was tasty.....now I need to use the loo. Mind stopping?
    

    July 18 at 12:55pm ·
  • 
    

     Ewwww...seat tea?! Yeah....ill stop....fosho! Sounds like you have a problem!
    

    July 18 at 1:00pm · 
  • 
    

     I love this auto-correct! Seat tea is gross, yes. So is sweat tea. What I really appreciated, however, was the SWEET tea.....still need to have you make that short lil convenience stop aka I need to pee....
    

    July 18 at 1:03pm · 
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     What ev! If its pee you can hold it! Oh...and can you turn my seat heater off? Thats not funny! My ass is starting to itch!
    

    July 18 at 1:12pm · 
  • 
    

     I'm no physician, but it is not scientifically possible to contract anything from a heated seat......might wanna get that checked out.
    

    July 18 at 1:14pm · 
  • 
    

     Pass me that stuff you've been using all week would ya?
    

    July 18 at 1:17pm · 
  • 
    

     It's a prescription. Get your own. These co-pays aren't free!
    

    July 18 at 1:18pm · 
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     I thought it was neosporin? I'm so sorry!
    

    July 18 at 1:23pm · 
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     No worries. You couldn't have known. It'll clear up. With time. Just a mild diaper rash, since you never stop for me to pee!
    

    July 18 at 1:26pm · 
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     Maybe if you would stop drinkin big gulps by the dozen you wouldn't have ended with your 'depends rash'!
    

    July 18 at 1:32pm · 

Bathroom breaks...

..."Mom’s I need to go #3!” Did you know there are 3 categories, not 2, to what normally happens in the loo bathroom?

Can you imagine how many times we told the MoFo’s Children to…

…”just hold it a bit longer…”

…And how many times we had to stop?

…And all the gross toilets we encountered?

We had to go over this dam twice…this pic was taken the next morning. The first time we crossed it it was dusk dark and we could hardly see a dam damn thing. Kat held on as I drove and got my camera out…
Kat…”You better not be thinking about taking a picture right now. Just get us across this bitch.”
Me…”Who me? Never!”

We came across people who did NOT appreciate us and our adventure…although they had no idea what we were accomplishing. Yes, we thought of our trip as an accomplishment.
On the way back we saw a sign for wineries…we saw lot’s of signs…and came to the conclusion it was a ‘sign’ for us to stop!
So we got off the exit and drove several miles on a country road to a quaint little town. Parked…and introduced this town to our 5 MoFo’s Children and they way we live our lives…free.
Right after we walked in to this winery, empty of any patrons other than us another couple walked in with thir 2 MoFo’s Children…and one of the proceeds to puke right at the doorstep.
The wife gave us dirty looks the whole time and we were sure she briefed her husband to not even look at us..when our backs were turned...
We tasted wine, bought some wine…tasted cheeses and meats and bought our lunch.
Outside while we are having said lunch this perfect little family saunters out and journeys as FAR away as they can from us.

I took a picture of myself so as to give you an idea of how far people would go out of their way to get away from us...

<——they are way back there sitting at the LAST table they could find.







We would stop at WalMart…campers, truckers and ballsy idiots cool chicks like us are allowed to park there…and grocery shop.
…In one state we discovered you could buy alcohol there…In Colorado you can only buy it at designated Liquor stores. You have never seen 2 women so excited!
We also made fun of the way people were dressed then I caught a glimpse of reflection and thought better of it…as I was not looking so fabulous myself…with one of my many wife beaters I wore, marked with who knows what…and because of the humidity my short hair had stupid curls and my toes looked like sausages...






We laughed our asses of off even as I made wrong turns…

This is us driving on an access road——>
I turned where I thought was the exit. It was not. So we drove several miles…as i made fun of my ’scenic route’ technique that my friends are well aware of…

We did have harrowing moments which will I will be discussing in my ‘Top Gear’ blog…



…the majority of the time we laughed…more than you will ever know wishing that we had video cameras mounted documenting our trip and ALL that was said…
…maybe next time...

Road Trip: Camp Walland

We call this place…

…Camp Walland…(Named after the town my parent’s now ‘live’.)

First a little back ground.
Yes, I’ve traveled and lived all of the world but…
…When I was a ‘youngin’…
...My grandparents lived in a trailer behind a large shop where they had their Antique/Junk shop.

Note…I will discuss the trailer and how it humbles me and makes me think...in another blog…

They were busy saving money for the house of their dreams, which they built bit by bit with their own hands. A three story log cabin in the woods near a lake. (Another blog which I hope to describe how wonderful my life/childhood is/was and well rounded)…

My Mom and Dad wanted something similar for their own Grandchildren and Children to come ‘home’ to. We don’t have a home town. Never have.
…So here we are in what I like to label as the Butt Fucked Egypt, BFE 'middle of nowhere’…The foot hills of the Smokey Mountains in, Tennessee.
My parents moved here 2 and 1/2 years ago when my Father retired from his job on the east coast of Florida, where Disney World was an hour away and the beach a few blocks. I was upset at first…the area had a lot going on for it as a great place to visit…
Last year was the first time I had been here and my Parents introduced me to this place and I fell in love…
…as a place to visit…
…not live!…
Near Pigeon Forge, DollyWood (not as clean as Disney World but still cool) and of course a few min. drive from the Smokey Mountain National park…with swimming holes and ‘rapids’ for us to frolic in.

You drive up the long pebbled driveway and you hear the ‘chirchirchirchirchir’…
…As the pebbles crunch under the heavy tires...slowly, as to not ruin your paint job on your vehicle.

It’s a medium size red brick home, not expansive by a ‘rich’ persons standard but large enough to fit all of us middle income folk…
…When you walk through the front door you are welcomed with tasteful and livable antiques, colourful carpets and I think anyone entering would feel right at home. There is a large indoor living space, with mustard yellow walls where my Mothers art work graces the walls and hallways. 5 bedrooms, an art studio, a large living area, a fabulous purple kitchen and nooks and crannies galore.

…When you walk through the garage however you are met with signs my father has made in his anticipation of having all his GrandChildren visit him at the same time in two years…





All my siblings were there…
Stefania, Mother of Lars, age 2. Husband, Thomas.
Leonard, Father of Brett, 8 and Cara, 6. Wife, Beth.
Thor…single no children at the moment.

On the door to the kitchen

The Un-Holy Trinity that is Me, My-self and I. Mother to BrownNut, 9, LoveBug, 7 and LittleGuy, 6. No Husband.

Also there is my friend and rolling partner sister wife neighbor Kat. Mom of Tiny, 5 and Fatty 3. No Husband.
…and my adopted sister/cousin Janet. Mother of George, 3 weeks old. Husband, Thomas.

You walk out back and you are greeted with a pavilion’esk’ porch.

My Dad made a long farm table, and 2 ‘pup’ benches…My Grandfather had a long ‘pup’ bench and he always sat at the end of it with his GrandChildren to the right of him. He sat their with pride as he teased us…as does my Father now...

My Mom painted the table, some chairs and the benches…in her whimsical way...

Gardens abound, flowers and vegetable…

Len and Thor are crazy ass fun Motherfuckers, just like me.
Stefania and I are the antithesis of each other…most people probably would never recognize her as my sister…I love her though as I do the rest of my family…small moments at a time though I have found…Another blog to go with…
http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2011/07/family-dynamics.html

Thor had been designated…
…Camp Activity Director and Counselor by my Father.

We parent’s were to stay out of the way.

Thor’s idea of a good time is teaching all the children how to shoot bee-bee guns and bow and arrows…safely…so they can go on a hunt for…

…PIGZILLA…

…as stories were told about this monstrous creature that lived in the woods the children cowered and shouted with glee.

One evening Thor and Kat took them on hunt…no Pigzilla was found although I think a trap was made and traces of his existence were observed.

…The hunting continued as the Children learned where food/meat came from…NOT the grocery store…on one afternoon and the next morning as Len and Thor took shots at birds, squirrels and cute bunnies tasty rabbits…
A bird was killed and the bird dog King Charles Cocker Spaniel, Skippy got a hold of it…it ended up as a dog treat mess…
…But the cute bunny tasty rabbit was another story…as all the Children gathered around to see how an animal becomes food…

The Children stood around as Len, skinned and gutted the cute little bunny tasty rabbit…not scared at all I as talked about how it was a perfectly normal part of life and death…and again where humans get meat and how it’s prepared….
Of course my daughter, BrownNut wanted the pellet…the girl who enjoys wearing her coon skin hat around on a daily basis.


Ok, so at Camp Walland fresh herbs grow in abundance so it was as I have described a ‘tasty rabbit’…we also had Chicken that night…3 of them.











Yummy, cute bunny tasty rabbit...





We had many a day trips as well...

Road Trip: Sister Wife? Rolling Partner?

Two independent single women traveling together hauling a 23 foot trailer with 5 children by 5 different baby daddies…

Note…Ok I know mine were adopted…it’s just fun to describe that way sometimes so people can look at us all cockeyed…

The sideways glances, out right stares, unasked and asked questions are hilarious!
Poor Kat.

Note…This was our second stop. I’m not going in order as this is what I feel like writing about right now as my meds make me feel all light headed and crazy. I’m sitting at a camp ground, a KOA, north of Dayton and Kat has taken, generously, all the children on a little day trip to Young’s Dairy Farm so I can write.
I’m sitting at a bleached by the sun picnic table, stained with years of use with 2 puppy chiwawawawas Chihuahuas, which are Kat’s, sitting beneath me.
The sun is beating down and my hair is looking like a much shorter version of Farrah Faucets from the ’70’s all flipped out because of the humidity.
I have music playing…”Back that Ass Up!”…"You a fine mother fucker”…”Drop, drop, drop it like it’s hot…”
I have towels strewn and drying all over every surface I can find.
Kat has been so patient with me and my ways…that’s a different blog though.

On the second night of our trip we stopped at this one camp ground which can only be described as ‘ghetto’.
The reviews were good.
We were finding out that the reviews were probably posted by the camp ground manager using several different aliases.

Note...If I offend anyone…whatever…it was!…and as I will now describe and explain the situation, you will get it…but as always after thought, I have caveats of understanding someone else’s POV (point of view) and situations...

I think it was in Indiana?

Pulling up we notice there are plants situated outside the campers, carpets and statues?! We wonder how long they are ‘camping’ here?

We meet these two women, Tasha and Roxy...
Roxy…”So…are you partners?”
Poor Kat…she hates this question but is compassionate to an extreme.
Kat starts thinking quickly…”If by partner you mean ROLLING partner? Yes.”
She had to repeat it several times as Roxy and Tasha were quickly downing their Busch beers in icy can’s as the two of them explain how they LIVE on this camp ground and had for YEARS!…They are busy paying off this camper, that they live in, by babysitting the camp managers child.

Note...This camper is leveled on the ground by orange rectangle thingys. It looks like it has been there since 1984.

I wonder HOW on earth they got the tires up there?!

Roxy…also repeated 6 or 7 times that Tasha and her have been partners for 5 years.
They sat with us at our picnic table and gave us their life stories...

As we are they are talking they disclose that there are only 2 other campers that don’t live there…they are assuming because these other two campers residents have been only been there for several months each!!!

In my mind I can’t believe people actually live like this by choice…
Is it by choice?
…then I get to thinking…
…They have a roof over their head and seem happy!

…By now a considerable amount of beers has been consumed by these women.
Is it the alcohol they are consuming making them think their financial situation/housing is normal?
What’s normal these days?

They are sitting next to each other…
Roxy has long stringy black hair and is sporting a dirty cream cut off at the arms raggy t-shirt with holes in it as Tasha, also...stringy… blond hair out of the mid 80’s with teased bangs and her blue eye liner…
...starts touching Roxy’s right breast…RIGHT in front of us…
…Kat said later she thought they wanted us to join them…no thank you…not my type, certainly not Kat’s…
 Roxy... “Stop touching me there.”
Tasha...“I love you, can’t I touch you?”
Roxy...“You are embarrassing them.”
Tasha...“I’m not touching you anywhere I shouldn’t…we are partners…”...
…”Plus…I’m now I’m only touching your belly…”

The Children were across the way at a playground acting all crazy and Child like...

Tasha had just moved her hand down to Roxy’s obviously over indulge, fat ample belly…neither one of them were poster women for good health, style or any thing other that can be described as trailer trash?

Note…Who am I to judge these two women who are comfortable in their sexuality and have been nothing but welcoming to us?
They are making the best out of their circumstances and the shit that life has thrown at them.
…I hate that I am sitting there judging and know I will talk smack later about it/them with Kat...

Later Kat points out the top front of the trailer above the windshield in big letters is the campers title header name brand…
…RAINBOW!
We can’t stop fucking laughing. We wonder if Roxy and Tasha are aware. I’m sure they are.
Did they hunt around just to find this particular one?

Several days later as we sitting and chating with one of my sisters at my Mom and Dads which has been fondly named, Camp Walland, Janet says…
J…”You should just tell people you are sister wives.”

Why? Why should we have to explain we are just friends and neighbors?

Forgive me for judging. I’m normal…It’s something I don’t like about myself.
I am no better than these women whose mitigating circumstances have brought them to this place in life.