SwimSuits…Shopping And Pictures!

SwimSuit Shopping…
It might be THE most loathed event a woman goes through…!
Even if you have, what is perceived by others, a rocking’ Bod.

I’m going to Vegas with my girl-friends in August. I would like a new SwimSuit.
Sunday I put the "shout out” on FB to see if any one wanted to come with me on this, what I assumed would be...a catastrophe.

Note…I have no shame, this is documented. I don’t care what others think of me or my actions…
…and I wanted to give readers an insight into what plays out when me and my Peeps go adventuring out.

I get to F1's house and say…
Me…”Do you have any Grannie Panties…I need them for a stupid photo op. You know your Period underpants or something absolutely ridiculous.”
F1…”Not really, lets check…”
She had a pair of old worn out what used to probably be white but is now ecru?, cream?…which the fabric had been worn out and the elastic was showing. Perfect!
I stuffed them in my purse…my Kate Spade;)

Note…My own period Panties are black, so they just wouldn’t do.

We get on the road again to get F69 + friend and F15 is meeting us.
We rock out in my Uber cool MiniVan as we drive to “The second worst mall in Colorado Spring.”

Note…If you have a smart phone and check in on FB…that one is ours…

We prance into Macys loud and obnoxious. We are their worst nightmare.

We peruse the SwimSuits.
I’m looking for something sexy with little fabric.

Note...I have a theory about SwimSuits on my body…through my body dysmorphic eyes the more skin I have showing I think nobody will notice the cellulite or various other issues I don’t like about my body.

Me…”Holy Shit! They are all old lady styles.”

You know the ones I’m talking about…the ‘dresses’ and skorts that women wear to hide their most uncomfortable places. I feel their insecurity.

Me…”Amy, (New friend) can you hold this for a sec?”
F69…”Her name is not Amy.”
Me…”Oh fuck…I just called her Amy.”
Me…”We should call her on my blog ‘Friend Who’s Not Named Amy!’ and shorten it to ‘FWNNA’!”
Laughter ensues…more people, not having fun, leer at us.

F15 shows up while I’m in the dressing room.

Please note the awesome underpants!

I walk out in all my splendor, people all around trying not to stare at The Un-Holy Trinity, Me, Myself and I.
The men that are with their spouses are trying not to let said spouses see them gawking at me.

<——— This suit had to much fabric and would leave odd tan lines but i REALLY liked it. Thought it was sexy Fo Sho. I put it on hold.

Isn’t F15 cute!

I’m not the only one trying things on…
F15 is one of my shoppin’ buds and an amazingly smart woman…she brings home the bacon…I’m not sure who cooks it though…her or her adorable husband that likes to “Chipotle Booty Call” me for lunch while she’s busy.

<---I try on another number. I’m maybe 116 lbs and 5/7…I can even have muffin top though. YUCK!

…after a quick unsuccessful surveillance of the shoe department we decide to move on out to Dillards…

We get a little side tracked in Buckle. F69 doesn’t know a stranger…She always finds someone she knows…and I always know their Spouse!
F69’s friend is trying on jeans and wants an honest answer. I got that one! When trying on jeans a 3 way mirror is of the utmost importance….or you better have honest people around you. It’s the pocket placement that makes all the difference. Too low and your ass looks saggy.
I hope F69’s friend bought the ones I told her to.

While we are footing it around the Second Worst Mall In Colorado Springs... F15 has removed from her purse (that I was with when she bought said purse) a pair of flip flops…she a professional shopper!

At the entrance of Dillards there is a random skeleton. No lie!

This is my Onesie

We hit the shoe department first. Dillards has a better selection than Macys, always!

Several friends need a bathroom break…we split up…I don’t need one.

FWNNA and I are looking for the SwimSuits...
FWNNA…”Oh, I think they are over here.”——>

NOPE! A bunch of dresses NOBODY should be caught dead in! … and then more fun commences!

While we are gathering dresses to try on…I am walkin’ around the lowest floor trying to text my friend. Holding my phone high as my skinny arms allow scanning for reception. Resending and resending…Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?…
Me…”Holy Shit the reception sucks down here!”
I said it loud and clear…reception FOUND! I love getting my way.

The people around us were annoyed to say the least. Do they not know how to have fun and live?


















We finally find the SwimSuit department…F15…
I love her…I love the shit she’s picking up!

There is no way on the Gods green earth her boobies would be remotely covered…
...maybe she should get them…
…We are going to Vegas after all…

Note…The dress she is wearing kept slipping down, to the dismay of the Men around us she had a tube top under.



The SwimSuit selection was again disappointing so Victorias Secret it is…

On the way F69 has a thirsting for an Orange Julius…
Me…”What the hell IS an Orange Julius?”
FWNNA…”I don’t know either. What is the big deal?”

F1 and I hit the jack pot in Victorias Secret…

I bought this one.

<——it’s not a flattering pic of me but damn F1 looks fucking amazing!

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing.

Sales person…”You can’t take pictures in here.”

We had already taken a ton. Whatever, we are going to do what we want.


F69 was getting her Orange Julius and hadn’t seen the Suits in person…
I’m at the counter paying for my SwimSuit.
F69…”Can I see a pic.”
Salesperson…”You can’t take pictures in here.”
Me…”I know.”
F69 to Me in front of the SalesGirl…”Oh…just show them to me when we get outside.”
The SalesGirl face was sadly drawn and shocked.

Note…An Orange Julius is a fucking creamsicle in a cup…and delicious.

On the way home, several hours later, we decide that Sundays are shopping days…next week T.J.Maxx one of our favorite shopping stops.
The week after that we are going closet shopping hopping!

I actually like walking around in a SwimSuit. I know my body is not perfect but it’s good for me to accept and share my imperfections. I hope people see me and think…’if she can do it, I can too.’

<—This is my FB profile pic right now.





<—This is a pic of me from last year. I use it as the Profile pic for “Yeah I’m hot and I drive a minivan, ‘cause I’m cool like that.”
One of my several sites on FaceBook that I created.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Yeah-Im-Hot-and-I-drive-a-MiniVan-cause-Im-cool-like-that/115555381804568




This is the pic I just chose for my new Fan Site on FB——————>
https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Un-Holy-Trinity-Me-Myself-and-I/177690712284325





Oh…F1 sent me a text later that evening…
…’You can throw away those underwear…I don’t need them back.'