Insecurities

I have noticed lately a progression in my writing. I’m becoming increasingly open about things and I am not worried so much about sharing…

http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2010/11/tmi.html
...compared to…
http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2011/05/better-sex-part-3.html

I wrote the first blog last year when I had just started this TrainWreck of a blog that has it’s own case of ADHD…

I read some other people’s blogs, sometimes randomly other times because I want to know what’s going on in my friends lives…but it’s not very often.
…There is a reason I don’t read them consistently and regularly…I don’t want someone else’s dogma view and style to influence my own…
…they also make me feel inferior.

Last night, as I was laying on the cloud where I slumber in bed tossing and turning as nightmares crept into my subconscious they absconded with my self-esteem…my vision obscured…my dreams of the future disintegrating before my closed eyes.

Last week I lost something and it has affected me more than I thought or realized.
Then yesterday as I ‘Labeled’ my blogs into categories I deduced that my writing really DOES have a case of ADHD. There is no cohesivity…
…I am becoming more out spoken and true to myself…
…but I feel like I am alienating those I need want have must to reach…and they are not listening to me.

Is my message obscured within my musings?
Do I even HAVE a message?

The self-doubt and second guessing are creating havoc...something I am not used to and I’m scared I can’t do what I want…that I’m trapped in a prison tar pit already introducing myself to the dinosaurs of long past…forgotten except to be studied and used.

My dreams and aspirations are so aggressive that I’m frightened I won’t be able to achieve them on my own…and it’s a something I have no say in.
I have writings that I am petrified to share now…where before I envisioned this Un-holy being of Me, Myself and I dispensing all of my experiences…

…I feel like a fragment of what I was yesterday...
…My dreams becoming nightmares…
…The path I was on receding into a black hole and I’m just going on a ride into nothingness.

This isn’t the most positive blog I have ever written, I am well aware of this. It goes along with one of my ‘Pages’…
http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/p/naked-in-front-of-you.html

Even I have insecurities…oddly those are something I am not afraid to share.