I’m 'Barbie'

This question is for my FB friends who aren’t my AF friends.
Did you ever wonder why some people call me ‘Barbie'?

Right after I had gotten married we moved to Valdosta, Ga, Moody AFB. They were moving the 41st RQS from Patrick AFB (Cocoa Beach, Fl) to Moody. My Ex was on the Advon team (that’s military speak for the first to arrive and set up shop).
I was new to the whole Military thing and had no idea what I had gotten into. We arrive and meet the DO, or XO (2nd in Command) and his spouse. The CC (Commander) hadn’t arrived yet with their family. They, the DO and spouse, are a very nice couple. My Ex then was a Captain.

For ease sake on my part I will refer to the DO’s spouse as B and the CC’s spouse as A from here on out.

This was a life time ago for me.

I’m gonna talk smack here.

A’s wife was one of Satan’s pawns in disguise. (Some of you know who I am talking about. I know she was good to some of you but she was the epitome of cruelty and power hungry towards some of us.)  She wasn’t even there and directing us to what we could and couldn’t do. I felt horrible for B and bad for me too. I had never encountered anyone like her. The mean girl syndrome burned through her faster than the CSRM’s (Cool Spring’s Ranch Mom’s) burn through a bottle of Vodka (the big kind) when she was angry.
Most AF spouses in Sqd’s get together once a month for ‘coffee’s' or 'socials’. We hardly ever drank coffee. We would chat, get to know one another, plan events discuss raising money, eat and drink. Once after a social she called me and started yelling at me. Telling me I was in no place to suggest a different venue for something. She yelled at me, a Capt.’s wife, for nothing other than I put an idea in the minds of others. I was shaking I was so mad. It went on and on like that. I can only guess what she was saying to B, I knew she wasn’t nice to her either.
I found a few friends in that group, friends I still have to this day but I had to look else where to fill my ’social network’.
I was 25 and became President of the Officers Wives Club. I met some fabulous women that belonged to different Sqd’s and I loved it. The majority of them were fighter pilot’s wives. They taught me to play Crud, and taught me to be one of the best players;)!!!
Side note and my awesomeness…I won so many Crud tournaments it was silly. Up against some very big men (Pilots) who got very upset when they realized it was just me and them…last one’s standing. I lost some too, but i like to remember my win’s. I once won the Langley spring Crud Tourney…have the beer mug to prove it;)
All the Pilots have ‘call signs’…You know like the one’s in Top Gun. That shit is real.
The OWC was having it’s annual Thrift Shop Fashion Show. Yes, we did stuff like that. Who do you think used to run the Thrift Shops on base? We did of course.
I was dressed in this amazing bright pink dress, something you would have put a Barbie doll in the 80’s. We were playing Crud after and I was still wearing the Barbie dress.
All the ladies decided we would come up with names for each other.
I became ‘Barbie’. The dress was only one of the reasons they named me ‘Barbie’. I can’t tell you the other’s.

Time passed A and B moved on and so did I.
My spouse moved up in the ranks and years later I found myself as a DO’s wife. This time though things were different. The CC’s wife was/still is an amazing leader and true friend. We were yin and yang. She taught me a great deal. She was/is so different than me. I think that was why we worked well as a team.
Leadership changed and we all moved…back to our old stomping ground, Moody AFB. This time however I was the wife of the Commander. I knew how I wanted things to work by now. I wanted the spouses, officers and enlisted to work together as a team and create something THEY wanted.
When I arrived there was only a small group in place that the DO’s spouse had put together. (She had run into the kind of problem I had but opposite of mine last time I was there. The Spouse before me didn’t want anyone getting together, maybe she thought it was silly, I can only guess).  So I hit up the secretary and then spent weeks on the phone trying to contact everyone. The DO’s spouse was fantastic in helping get everything together.
Yada, yada, yada…
We finally had a cohesive group together and everyone played a part if they wanted. They could say anything to me, good, bad or ugly.
It wasn’t my group, it was theirs.
When one of them would come up with an idea I would tell them, “Make it your own.”
They ended up saying, “You mean do it ourselves.”
That is exactly what I meant too. I was there for a short amount of time. They needed to have ownership.
Their were some who didn’t want to be a part of it. That was fine with me and whenever they needed me I would be there for them.
There were probably lot’s that didn’t like me.  I can be very fun and overbearing I know this. I knew I couldn’t make everyone happy.
There was ONE thing I wanted to do VERY MUCH though…
Have a proper naming ceremony for the girls.
‘Rack’ hosted, ‘Peep' cooked and ‘Junk’ and I put together the ROE (rules of engagement)
All the spouses were invited.
We did ton’s of jello shots and held extra large glow sticks as we told stories of each other so we could come up with names.
One of the girls had a Henna tattoo artist come in so most of us were half dressed waiting for our henna to dry.
We had a lot of rules…Some were ridiculous so I won’t share them all.

The trend continued and the next year we invited other Sqd’s to join in, and they did so with flare!
This time it was a ‘ChinaDoll’s’ house. The fire burned as the names were called out.

These women took this tradition, (twice is a tradition isn’t it?) and ‘made it there own’ when they moved to other bases. It has morphed to fit the needs of those involved.

If I told you I was proud it would not be because of what I started but what these women have become. Leaders, friends and the greatest spouses the Air Force could ask for. In time of need they are there for each other. That need is paramount now when with the op’s temo and the danger that their spouse’s are in is on a daily basis.

A toast to you my friends and military spouses everywhere…and the dear friends we have lost…may we all meet on the other side and drink together once again.

"Here's to you old friend, may you live a thousand years,

Just to sort of cheer things up, in this vale of human tears;

And may I live a thousand too-a thousand-less one day,

Because I wouldn't want to be on earth, and hear you'd passed away.”

A bit of my Childhood…and Pan Am and the Holiday Season...

I was talking to someone the other day and they asked me..
A…”Where are you from?”
This is a loaded question that I have no answer for.
Me…”I suppose I am a child of this planet.”

I was born in the bush in Liberia in 1971…there was a little hospital there.
I like to say ‘the bush’…it sounds cool. I like to sound cooler than I really am.

At the time we were living there things were peaceful and stable. This is before Samuel Doe starts off a bloody chain reaction that rips this wonderful country and people to pieces for the next 20+ years.

My father traveled back there several years ago for work. He came back home to us and told us our old house had been destroyed by mortar shells and he couldn’t find any of the people that used to work for our family. When I say worked for our family I mean the driver, the houseboy, the night watchmen and such…It sounds like we were rich doesn’t it? We weren’t. We were piss poor. We were in a Third World country though and the dollar went farther there.
If you ever ask me what my dad did for work I’ll tell you what I know. He was an Air Traffic Controller for Pan Am. However because of all the places he had to go the joke in the family was, “We know what your Dad does, he works for The Company.’”
I just had to call my Daddy and had to ask him if I could actually blog about this.
Me…”Dad, before I type all this out can you be honest with me? Did you work for the CIA?”
In the back of my friends that know my parents, family members and my mind we always wondered… an Ex Marine that speaks several languages and has contacts all over the world…
D…”You know I couldn’t tell you if I did or didn’t.”
I laugh.

The other day my middle son asked me if I knew anyone that worked for the CIA and I said…
…”I can confirm nor deny that, Bug.”

Me…”I know THAT Dad. I just don’t want to blog about something and get someone in trouble.”
D…”You can blog about anything you want, honey, I can handle myself.” He says to continue his myth.

My Dad, my older Brother and myself are three of THE biggest bull-shiters in the world. Into and out of trouble we bull-shit our way through life.

We moved and spent a few years living on Long Island. We still had no money and we were a family of 6 now. They had ‘friends’ that got things for them that had  ‘fallen off the truck’. We ate ground sirloin because of my parents ‘friends’.

My family moved to Oman. We lived there for 8 years. I spent my formative years living as a minority in an amazing country. We lived in Oman when the Iran Iraq war broke out and things changed drastically. We were no longer allowed to play ‘war’ because of the gunman on top of our building. We ended up roller skating a lot and looking for other trouble to get in. We got into a lot of trouble.

He really did work for Pan Am, I should clarify this. If we wanted to go somewhere he would bring home a stack of tickets and he would fill them out. We traveled for free all over the world. Cool Huh?! We still had no money. When we traveled we stayed with friends or at ‘Bug and Boards’, that was code for a cheap hotel. We also ate at ‘Choke and Pukes’.

I love Pan Am, even to this day. My memories of the dessert cart in First Class (when room was available), the really nice flight attendants (really nice because we were all Family), not to mention the friends I have to this date because of Pan Am.
I don’t miss getting bumped off flights because there was no room and having to sleep in the Bahrain International Airport on the hard plastic orange chairs...that were contoured so you couldn’t lay across them. Or any of the other Airports we got stuck in so numerous to count and name.
I wonder how my Mom did it. It was usually just her and us four Children as she traveled the globe as my Dad worked. She once took us to HongKong for a week. You know what I remember the most? The Eels in buckets on the docks and because I had the flu and she was busy shopping, her putting me in some corner of a shop so she could get her snake skin shoes made. I remember a lot more than that but this is MY Mother….I am SO her Daughter. This was also the woman that made us read, ‘The Ugly American’. A lesson in a book I’m sure you should all read.

One day we ended up in what is now called Mumbai, I’m old though, back then it was called Bombay. I don’t think it was a planned stop. My father was with us this time. I was probably 7 or 8 and remember it well. The memories, colours and smells vivid in my mind.
People were living in boxes on the side of the street, foul with the smell of human waste. Live animals, I’m not talking dogs and cats, I think they had all been eaten, were roaming aimlessly. I remember being so sad and thinking that there was nothing I could do to help. It was dark but the sky was orange, everything else the colour of dirt. I felt assaulted everywhere I turned, the smell’s, the sadness, their inescapable way of life. I just wanted to hide behind the powerful, giant figure that I called, ‘Daddy’.
I had been going to Souqs for years. Who knows what we had bought from the vendor on the kabob stick! So, not a lot bothered me even at a young age. This was different though. They weren’t the homeless people I see here in Colorado on the street today. These people were different and yet they weren’t, they were just like us. Born in different circumstances than ours. There were lepers all over the place and just normal people trying to make some kind of end’s meet asking my Dad for change, anything. Can you imagine their life? I can’t and I saw it. I had never wanted to run and hide so badly. I knew they were just like me, just born in a different country to different parents. Being born in Liberia, I could have been born to any number of couples….who knows how God works?
I hadn’t lived a sheltered life by any means. I remember crying. The people that crossed our path then are  probably all gone by now. Choosing another life to live in another time perhaps. I hope they are at peace now.

I had seen more than most at even this young age. The things I have seen, where I am from, where ever that is, have shaped part of me to be who I am today.

My parents have the most wonderful stories and have lived the most fascinating lives and thankfully they  carted us along.

If you are reading this, I don’t care how poor you think are. You are amongst the richest 1% of the people on the planet.

The Holiday Season has begun. Not to put a damper on your big purchase, but have you ever thought of donating even $5.00 to some group that makes a difference in the world? I don’t care which one. I speak for no group.
As a ‘child of this planet’ and the mother of three amazing adopted children, one of which came from a place so poor the majority of the people there lived on a dirt hill in boxes with no running water, just like those in Mumbai…
You could have been born to anyone on this planet, King or Queen, Popper or Stable hand. Think about it, then do something.

Thanksgiving Day

Thanksgiving is such a brilliant Holiday. We don’t have to buy each other a bunch of crap we don’t need and as a non religious holiday I can guarantee the date wasn’t stolen from the Wiccan’s.
Yup, true story but another blog...

Anyway…

I get to my friends house late. I actually thought I was on time. I had sent my ex a text in the am and told him 1:30 at F1’s. I knew I should have re-read the thread, but I have been busy with crazy stuff on my brain.
I walk in the door and they start giving me a hard time…We were supposed to EAT at 1:30. I’m not worried I know they will survive. I designate F3’s husband to carve the Turkey and as he does so I say…
…”Sorry I didn’t bring a real knife.”

I throw my dressing in the oven that she has preheated for me and I start the gravy. I know the dressing will be done by the time the Turkey is sliced.

F2…”How long did you cook the Turkey?”
I look at my Ex and he looks at me and we laugh.
Me…”Well, that’s kinda funny.”
My M In law, whom I love in my own special way even to this date, came to visit us for Thanksgiving when we were in Japan. She was a bit worried and up-set with me because I started cooking the Turkey so late. She didn’t think it would be ready in time. I don’t get up super early and throw the Turkey in the oven. I use the science of Alton Brown and I swear by it! I have cooked so many Turkeys some would think it’s ridiculous.
I promised her it would be awesome, moist and COOKED!
And it was perfect. She worried the whole time though.
I tell my Children...
...“Older people sometimes think they know more because they have been on this planet longer but if you are sure of something stand up for yourself…with respect to them though.”
Me…”I cook it till it reaches 161. Then take it out of the oven"…Refer to Thanksgiving recipe blog.

As F3’s husband carves the Turkey, I marvel at my skills. Yes, even I am shocked at how good my Turkey turns out, every time.

'Linner' is set and ready.
Ex…”We should just eat and let the children play while we eat in peace.”
He’s a ‘thinker’ in my mind.
F1…”But then they will come up and bug us while we are eating.”
Everyone…”Ok…someone go get them.”
We make sure they have what they need and send them to their cool all by themselves table. A table set up in the Garage surrounded by Christmas lights and space heaters…F1 rolls cooler than the average suburban human!
No one ever wants to go first but I am starving and start filling my plate. A little a this, a little a that and a whole lot a that! We sit down at the table and no one says anything…
I think maybe it’s awkward for everyone but me. To be sitting with my Ex at Thanksgiving that is. We’ve only been divorced since Jan. but separated since June, we get along fine.
Me…”How’s work guys?”
They look at me like I have just said, ‘Off with their heads!’
F1…”So, F2S (that would be F2’s Spouse), did you get that job?”
F2S is retiring soon and looking for a job.
F2S…”No, I think I’m just gonna play golf and make F2 support me.”
She looks at him like he is mad as a hatter.
F3S…”I was reading an article that they were filling the Turkeys with hormones so their Breasts would be extra large.”
Me..”Yeah, but they are REAL, REALLY theirs, just like F1’s!”
She’s so awesome, she laughs too.
I see my Ex lean over and he tries to whisper something in F1’s ear.
I over hear it…
Ex…”I wonder if she tells the truth about her thighs.”
Me…”Ha! I don’t hide it.”

He doesn’t know me or understand me. I wonder if he ever did.

F1’s son walks in. He is wearing a wife beater, shorts and his hair is wild like a redheaded Medusa.
F1…”See I can totally move back to Kansas! We are hick through and through.”
…”Hahahhahaha”

Dinner is done. The game had been on, but muted while we ate. The game is turned up and is being watched now as the ladies clean up.

Blah, blah, blah…

I get a call…Someone I know is getting married. I tell my Ex.
Ex…”Make sure he signs a prenup.”
I think I am the only one that laughed at that. The silence was as still as Joan Rivers face when she laughs…nothing!
Me…”That is SO going in my blog!”

I always feel bad when money issues come up though, that is the honest truth.
When my Ex and I separated we didn’t higher expensive lawyers. We went to a Mediator who specializes in finance. We put together a good plan for our children and separated ‘our’ finances in 1/2. I put ‘our’ finances in small quote because he earned all of it. I didn’t work. I was allowed to volunteer though. I worked for the Red Cross for years. I sat on boards for the Officers Wives Clubs and raised money for scholarships. I helped out with whatever Squadron he was in; cooking food, planning parties and in general, helping out. When the Sqd. had to deploy I can’t tell you how many times I had to sit in the First Shirts office as we figured out what to do with the drama that ensues as soon as they fly out; be it child custody issues, household problems or women that were left with not enough money in their accounts to get by. This was the Air Force, not the normal world. When someone has a problem they would come to us. I was active in his career.
He won’t support me forever, only a few years more. We were married though for more than 10 years required for the split of his retirement. I feel shitty about this so often though. I should not I am told. I have the children half the time. He didn’t want to see me left destitute, which could have happened, in the eyes of our children and the world. I am still at his beck and call when he has to travel out of town, sometimes at the last minute. I still can’t have a traditional job. (Even though I don’t want traditional, unless ruling the airwaves and book sales count;)
He’s a good Dad. No, a Great Dad and a good ex-husband.

We are watching the game and I miss some witty quirks here and there. I really need to keep a note pad and pen readily available.

I don’t really like football. I actually don’t like watching sports on T.V. Live sports is another thing though…except Baseball. I think Baseball is probably the most boring sport…wait…I take that back…I forgot about Cricket ! My favorite sport live is Hockey. I like the violence, I don’t deny it. The sound of bodies slamming into the ‘glass’ and Oh, the fights. I also have a strange love of Horror Movies with ton’s of gratuitous violence…somethings wrong with me, I know.

So we are all sitting watching the game and I over hear my Ex say…
…”I need to re-friend Eva.”
I am thinking to myself, 'Eva who?’
I actually start listening to the conversation now and get out of my own head. I wasn’t watching the game either :/
They are talking about Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. I like to know what’s going on in the world around me but I pick scientific discoveries, politics, confrontations on the global level and sadly, fashion. I had no idea they split.
I get the low down.
Tony had an affair with one of his team-mates wives.
From what I gathered the four of them were all friends and would hang out.
F1…”That’s one foursome gone wrong.”
Me…”I know what happened. I can hear the explanation. ‘You mean you didn’t get the text that we were all going to ‘get together? Ha!”

The game ends and my Ex gets up to leave. I get up quickly and put a plate of leftovers together for him. I try to be the best Ex I can be for him. If I cook something fabulous and I have enough, I make sure he gets some.
Me…”Oh, wait, what kind of pie do you want?”
Him…”I don’t care I love all pie.”
Me…”I know there’s one kind you don’t like.”
He and F1 look at me all lopsided.
Me…”MINE!” and I laugh.
Ok…that wasn’t very nice of me. I had to apologize when I saw him this morning because I felt so bad.
Awhile back I counter-protested the The Westboro Baptist Church and Fred Phelps. I made my picket sign in my garage. I was coming home and had to pick up my daughter from piano because my ex couldn’t. My daughter asked me what the sign was for so I explained. He comes to get her and she tells him what I had done that day. He looks at me, I look at him and I say…
…”I’m an embarrassment to you, aren’t I?”
Ex…”Not anymore.”
We both laughed because we knew this was true.

Nuts and Pies…The God’s made them to go together!

I love pie. Not store bought pie…good pie.
My mind is in the gutter as I type about pie, hence the title ‘Nuts and Pies’. I can’t help it, forgive me.

Anyway….

F3 Texts me last night to remind me I had agreed to watch her Daughter while she worked. I’m so glad she reminded me. I had totally forgotten and I think she knew I had forgotten.
She comes in for a bit before she leaves…
F1…”Oh, it smells good in here!”
Me…”Thanks.”
We head into my kitchen because I am actively cooking.
She sees my Cranberry Sauce on the stove and sees me take my corn bread out of the oven.
F3…”What’s that for?”
Me…”My dressing…."
F3…”Oh, you make your own corn bread? I never thought of doing that.”
My shoulders slump and I stare at her.
Me…”How else would I make it?…and HEY…you’re my friend DO YOU READ MY BLOG!?”
F3…”I just use the box. I mean I use fresh stuff too though.”
F3 is a good cook in her own right, I admit this….but boxed food bothers the crap out of me. It’s a waste of money and probably bad for you.
F3…”Do you use a box of Jiffy Mix?”
Me…”NO!…I use cornmeal and flour.”
We chat and she heads to work. She loves me, I know it.

 I think I have everything in my pantry. Nope…to the store I head with my three children and one extra. F3’s daughter was adopted, she’s half Loas and half black. I have one Peruvian, one Korean and one Malato. As it is when I go out with my children I get a lot of looks. With F3’s daughter it gets worse. The children are very, very well behaved...when out that is… One pushes the cart, and the others follow me about like little ducklings in a row. Once someone came to me, child in tow and asked…
…”You seem so good with them, do you run a daycare, ‘cause I really don’t like mine.”
I shit you not, she said that to me.
I kindly explained... “No, I’m their Mother, they just have…different baby daddies.”
I shit you not, I SAID THAT BACK!
(This was just with my three of course.)

One of my friends daughters wants to have a play date so I head to her house and all the little people run in and disappear like my 6 year olds Social Security check is disappearing before he reaches retirement age. My friend says oh, just go, I’ll bring them back to you in about an hour…I’m watching F3’s child…I leave her there. We are all very close friends and I know F3 won’t care.

I get home and start cooking my 3.14’s.

Pie Crust
This is for 2 pies.
4 C Flour
2 tsp salt

2 Lg egg size blobs of  of Butter Flavor Crisco (yup…old school the way my Grandma measured)
1 C of freshly ground pecans. It has to be fresh you want the oils from the Pecans and it adds a nice nutty sweetness.
Use a pastry cutter or 2 forks to cut the Shortening so it’s pea size.
Ice water…3-4 Tbs depending on the humidity that day.
Wrap in plastic wrap place in fridge till you’re ready.

Pecan Pie Aka, Nut Mix..it’s fun to mix up the nuts with some sugar. I snicker as I type this.
1 C melted butter (no margarine)
1 1/2 C Sugar
A bottle of corn syrup, light or dar, I don’t care.
8 Eggs
2 1/2 tsp Vanilla (real please)
1/2 tsp salt

2 C pecans, some whole for decorating the rest chopped.
Stir the first ingredients together.
Split chopped pecans between the two pie. I am assuming you have rolled out your dough and placed in pie shell.
Split liquid mix and pour over top.


Variations…I find I love Chocolate in my pie, pecan pie that is. Today I had half a bag of leftover Heath Bar bits and add that.  You can put chocolate chips in a splash of Rum or Bourbon, carmel pieces and or coconut.
Bake at 325 for 50 min-ish or until done.

While the pies are in the oven and the children away I make my Dressing. I didn’t measure a damn thing I’ll have you know.
I used leftover white wine from game night (I didn’t bother with the chicken broth). 6 or 7 spoonfuls of my cranberry sauce. Day old honey oat bread I bought today. Sage, salt and pepper. Celery and  onions sautéed in tons of butter, and some sausage. I mixed it all together…It is AWESOME if I don’t say so myself. Then I add an egg, put it in the fridge till I cook it tomorrow.


My children +1 are dropped off and start playing loudly and like animals, literally.
They’re downstairs...

M…”I’m a Lion”

CH…”I’m a Cheeta”

I hear them and I yell down…

…”I’m Cougar!”

I separate the cranberries from the extra liquid. That extra liquid makes the BEST cocktail base…just add vodka, cranberry juice and a splash of OJ. 

My Neighbor shows up at my door. I love her. She walks in and sits in my red wing back chair that’s in my kitchen.
Yes, I have a wing backed chair in my kitchen. My friends fight over who’s going to sit in it when I am cooking. It was a marvelous idea of mine to put it there.
K(that’s my neighbor)…”I forgot to make the mashed potatoes for my Son’s school yesterday. So I went to KFC. I have never had children so excited and so many dirty looks from the Mom’s who made everything homemade!”
I laugh of course…I have too.
We are both single Mothers and ‘parent’ maybe a little differently than those behind the white picket fences. Neither of us want a white picket fence.
She goes on.
K…”I was holding this ladies baby so she could eat and the baby smelled like breast milk. I hate the smell of breast milk. I didn’t breast feed my children. I thought it was gross. Oh, but recreational breast feeding is A OK with me!.”
She’s so funny. I agree with her…about the recreational breast feeding part.
I ask her what she’s making for tomorrow.
K…”A turkey breast, mashed potatoes, and that green bean thing…I don’t even like that mushroom soup stuff.”
Me…”A turkey breast, that’s a great idea!”
K…”It was YOUR idea.”
Me…”Oh, I’m cool like that.”
Me…”Did you read my blog of T-Giving recipes?”
K…”No, I don’t like to cook.”
Me…”Try the brussels sprouts…they are really good.”
We continue chatting.
K…”No one was helping and none of the other Mom’s would talk to me. I hate that.  I swear it takes a whole village to help out with that school stuff. I think I have a whole village inside me.”
Me…”Don’t tell the people you see all the time that…They will think you have a ‘whole village inside you!”
K…”I’m a single girl, who cares!”
I love her more now.
A few cups of coffee, some crab dip and crackers  and a couple hours later she heads back to her place.

I start my blog…

F3 shows up an hour late…I didn’t notice, don’t care…I just love her. Her daughter is playing fantastically with my Son and I could take her all night if she needed.
F3 brought me bagels from Panera Bread. WaHoooooo! Lot’s of them!
She sit’s down and we start chatting.
F3…”You can blog about this.”
There are MANY things I DO NOT BLOG ABOUT.
F3…"My sister called the other day about what her husband said, ‘a bottle of wine a tube of lube and some back door action, now that’s romantic.”
Yes, I am blogging about this.
Me…”I can’t blog about this, holy shit how am I gonna fit ‘this in’.” Hahahahhahhaaaa!
Many of us women have this conversation. Did you guys know that?
Me…”SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!”
When a man says to you ‘hey, wanna…?’
Your response should be…
...”You let me do it to you FIRST.”
Yup…This IS the way we talk…..and I thought it went well with Nuts and Pies…sorry Mom.

I feel like a ‘Russian’ lately…rushin all over the place!

Just now…maybe 20 min. ago I was in my cool MiniVan alone…(this was all typed out in my spare time…5 min. increments.)

Me…”Come ON!”

Myself…”Holy Shit! It’s 55 mph people!”

I…”Ok, World, I am a girl that has places to go and IS GOING SOMEWHERE…GET OUT OF MY WAY!”

I am my own best friend, I understand me and I accept me;)…no matter what….and I’m always there. Unless one of my many other personalities has taken over. That’s a joke, sort of.

Since this weekend I have found myself speeding everywhere, my mind included. I like to go fast. I’m always crossing my fingers I don’t get caught….again.

I went out Friday with the girls, and I met some Hella Cool people. It was fabulous, and I was a fabulous hot mess. I’m sure you can imagine;)

I had my gallons of gravy to make on Saturday for my Son’s Korean school. I did make enough if you were wondering. My gravies rocked’! I had SO much to do though, I still hadn’t planed my menu for Sundays Game night with the ladies and I love to procrastinate! So…procrastinate I did and took a bit of a chance on Saturday, and I am very, very glad I did. I liked the chance I took…a chance just like me. So with my chance taken I get to work in the kitchen. In the back of my mind I am thinking of my friend who asked me for a recipe for her Holiday party. I don’t measure anything but now I have too. 

So I start making a...

Cranberry Barbecue Sauce

1 small onion, diced, sliced it doesn’t matter as you will see at the end.

3 Garlic Cloves, crushed

1 or 2 Tbs freshly grated ginger

Saute that in some olive oil, maybe 3 Tbs.

To that add 

2 Cups of Catchup (that’s a joke…the spelling is…)

3/4 C Cider Ving.

1/4 C Sweet Soy Sauce

1/3 C Splenda Brwn Sugar

a couple dashes of worcestershire sauce.

then add your left over cranberry sauce…whalaa!

Cook it over med/low heat stirring frequently till it’s the taste and consistency you desire, an hour or more. Strain it so there are no ‘bit’s of stuff…just awesome flavor.

My neighbor, which I have SO much to blog about it’s silly, shows up at my door wanting to know if her outfit is ‘OK’. It was. We have a couple glasses of wine while we wait for her date to show up. She told him to meet me at my house…duh, of course she did. 

He shows up and I offer him a beer.

Her…”You’re driving…”

Him…”I’ll have a glass of water.”

My meatballs were made and I wanted my sauce tested, not really. I knew it was good, but I don’t want to have people over, even if I didn’t invite them, and not offer something to eat. (I’m joking I have an open door policy.)

Me…”You want to try some?”

Them…”yeah.”

They come back for seconds…

He came back for thirds.

They head out on their date and I feed my little people. This is mundane and yes I am blogging about it.

On to Sunday I go head on like a bull…

My Ex is picking up my Little People at 8:30 am, to go to Church.

I put an apron on over my Pajamas, turn up my music and start cleaning my house from its head to its toes. I hate cleaning bathrooms…my boys need to learn how to aim better. I have till 11:15 and I set my timer. Bing, Bing, Bing it’s 11:15 and I hit the shower. I have to be somewhere at 12:30.

I was gone till 4:00 and I still haven’t gone to the store. I know at this point I am entertaining and I only have time for my B game…but I only know how to play an A game! So A game it is…I rock. I think highly of myself.

I can’t believe I put this shit out there for all of you to read sometimes.

Game Night is on and I only loose $3.00. 

Monday shows up and I am still reeling from my Sunday…and not about the $3.00 I lost.

I have so much on my mind it’s silly...I have my Girl-Friends 40th B-day party on the 27th, this weekend (in Ft Collins). The theme is ’the 80’s and I still don’t know what I am wearing…Thanksgiving is around the corner and I don’t have a Turkey...I have JuJitsu belt testing on the 18th so I am attending the 'Rocky Mountain Combat Conference’ on the 5th so I can hopefully learn more and I am attending every class I can. (Because I have time for this)..……..Oh and lest not I forget I have my Casting Call for MasterChef on the 11th and I still need to get my video made, and think of something to make!

My Dad calls…

D…”Hey I talked to B and he would love to help you put your video together for MasterChef.”

B is a producer that worked with my Dad awhile ago. I met him when they were driving from Atlanta to Cape Canaveral. My Dad called and said, ‘We’re 15 out, what’s for lunch?’ I whipped up two curries, one Indian and one Thai. They left with their bellies full.

So, B knows me and wants to help in my quest to one day rule the world.

Me…”Cool, thanks Daddy.”

OH…I almost forgot…Walking to my car after picking up my little people I see a friend who has locked his keys in his car. They say that the mother of invention is necessity.  That’s an understatement I think. As a single Mother of three children I have found I have some cool yet strange skill sets. I can do almost anything…I have solutions to problems. I got the keys for him. He owes me now.

I have all this going on and what do I do? I had my neighbor and her children over for the most ghetto meal I can make. Hodgepodge does not even describe the mess I put on the table. After dinner I turn on my Justin Bieber music nice and loud and have a dance party with ALL the little people. I love dancing with 2 year olds. I also love Justin Bieber, but he’s to young for me.

I also got in Kickboxing and Jujitsu…wheew...

Tuesday hits me like a rock. I have to go to the gym and lift for about an hour. I also need to get video of some of the cool shit I can do for my ’tryout’ meanwhile my phone is blowing up! 

My Spider is telling me…"hey…look at me." (My Spider is my phone)…Different people with different things…My Girl friend and I decided to have a lunch date. She is the HOTTEST Financial Advisor probably in existence. We meet downtown and I am having the most difficult time finding a parking place. I finally find one and it will only allow for 30 min. I put my $ in the meter and head to see my friend…after I set the alarm on my phone so I can put more $ in the meter. I don’t want another ticket. I of course had to leave in the middle of lunch…running into the same homeless people several times I feel like we are all buddies now…Lunch consisted of this HUGE calzone. I ate all but a 1/4 of it…I like to eat. I think the run during lunch helped.

I now have a few min. to run to the store and finally get the Turkey. It’s frozen solid. I am going to have to whip out my magic wand if we are having Turkey on Thursday. (Not the battery operated one.)

…time to pick up my children from school…I’m wearing a boiled wool sweater the colour of Merlot that…funny story…used to be my ‘little’ brothers. He came home from leave from the Army. I see this sweater and I really like it. I tell him I will help him with his laundry. I liked it so much I put it in the dryer so I could shrink it and he would give it to me. This is a warning to ALL of you. If I want something I will find a way to get it.

Ok, back to picking up my children. I live in Colorado. It can get really windy here and when it’s cold and windy…holy kamoli! I find this nice little corner to stand in and my friends start showing up. 

1 of my friends…”If it’s going to be this cold at least it should snow.” 

It’s only 44, but the wind…

T…”I’m going to have to start wearing a real coat.”

T…”I hope we get a blizzard, that way my In-Laws won’t show up.”

F2…”There is a Dairy Queen down the street.”

…”hahahahhaaa!”

Me…”Holy Shit, look at Luis?”

One of my Puerto Rican friends is standing out in the cold wind with a short sleeve shirt on!

S1…”I think he might have some shrinkage.”

The bell rings and I leave the coveted corner and go chat up Luis.

Me…”What the hell man? Do you have shrinkage going on?”

Luis…”No but my nipples are hard as rocks.”

I love Luis and his wife, they are my friends. If you are my friend I think I can say anything to you and you/and or your spouse and you will forgive me.

I gather up my Little People and we head home. We have 20 min. before my daughters basketball practice.

To humor my boys at practice I let them take random pictures. They chose their teeth, a few butt shots and actual pictures of their sister playing basket ball.

We had sandwiches for dinner. I had them make them themselves. I told them it was a special treat….so I could type this crap out!

I’m not worried about Christmas…everyone is getting a Snuggie!
Oh and the video is me keeping ‘balance’ in my life.

My Korean friends and their love of ‘milk’ gravy.

My middle son is Korean born. He attends Korean school on Saturdays to learn Hangul. He’s very smart and does very well; despite having me as his mother;). I say that because my Korean sucks! So, I speak Japanese to him. He tells me all the time to stop and learn more Korean. Which shouldn’t to difficult, languages come easy to me. My annunciation is so good in some languages they think I can process quickly and start jabbering on. I can also swear in many and get my self burnt at the stake in several, the Middle East in particular, for several reasons.

I love hanging out with my Korean Girl Friends. They are funny, beautiful and extremely smart. Do you know how hard it is to get into University in Korea? Their higher education is astounding. They all attended University, one of them is a Physicist. I didn’t attend University. I had a couple of years at a community college and all I did was sing and paint…I didn’t even get my AA. I can’t stand school. (Don’t tell my Children.)

We celebrate holidays at my son’s Korean school. Thanksgiving being one of them. Last year I was in charge of gravies enough to feed about 50 people. That would be GRAVIES…they requested two kinds, Milk and Giblet.
Me…”Milk gravy? really why?’
Sunhe…”Koreans LOVE Milk gravy, make a lot.”
I had no idea how much they liked Milk gravy until I saw them putting it into bowls and eating it by the spoonfuls.
We are celebrating Thanksgiving today at Korean School.
I’m in charge of Gravies again. I hope I made enough.

My day today…well, part of it;)

I text my friends. It’s Thursday after all and we normally get together once a week for lunch. I thought it was a good day for a little DSW as well, seeing as we had a special ‘text coupon’ and we all had DSW bucks.

F1 texts me…’I’m wearing the black super girl shirt and biker boots.’
We have to tell each other what we are wearing now because several times we have shown up at some random event wearing almost the same exact thing! We spend so much time together our cycles are in sync.

I pick them up and see that we are ALL wearing some kind of black shirt, jeans and black boots. Different but the same. We walk around like to three Stooges, with less hitting.

We get to DSW and start working the aisles.
F2…”I really like your ‘to the knee’ brown boots.”
Me…”Really?!…Oh, I don’t care try them on. I love them too.”
I leave her and look for other boots for her to try on that are NOT exactly like MINE!
None satisfy her. I love my brown boots so I totally understand and I surrender.
I go check out what F1 is doing and there much to my dismay she is trying on MY(I already own them, they live under my bed with the other 14+ pairs of boots I own) silver, midcalf high boots with a delicious 6 inch heel. The same ones I wore when I met Joe Six pack at Chipoltle…they are HOT! She already has the purse to match and can’t borrow mine. I am a 1/2 size smaller then her…in shoes.
Me…”You should get them."

The lady working there says to me... “Those___ would look great on you.” 

Me…”Of course they would they would, they would be on me.” I’m kiddin'.

I go over and look at them and they’re kinda cute. Living in Colorado we have opportunities to wear furry boots, but these also had a set of hanging balls…

Me…”I don’t know...they have a set of balls. I like to keep my balls in my pants.”

She looked at me and kept looking at me, turned away and started to laugh as I laughed uncontrolably.

F1...”Those are pretty tight jeans, where do you keep them.”

Me…”I tuck them under.”

DSW worker…”OMG that’s funny.”

I decide against the boots.

I head over to the the ‘high heeled’ area. I don’t really NEED another pair of boots. Hell, I don’t NEED another pair of shoes!
I like to compare my shoes to my lovers. They stay in my closet, quite and very HOT. I take them out when I want one.
 (I just said that and meant it.)

I had been eyeing a pair of shoes for awhile, waiting for them to go on sale. I get there and "BAM!”, they are 40% off…WaHoooo! They weren’t very expensive to start with and I have my DSW bucks! I put them on and walk all over the store making sure they are comfortable.
$13.43 later I am the owner of my new beauties;)

We head to lunch…we just bought shoes and don’t want to spend a lot of money and I LOVE ‘the Man Buffet’ aka Chipotle. I know Joe six pack is working so he won’t be assaulting me with his not so carefully formed words today.
I always get the same thing. Barbacoa, 1 mild, 1 med. 2 spicy salsas and double guac. Then I add hot sauce.
We chat…and head to TJMaxx. I’m a fan of TJMaxx and the clearance items. I really like a sale.



Have you noticed that MOST of the women that shop there are very put together?
I do. I like to tell them how nice they look.
Except this woman——>
She doesn’t know I took the picture. I think I should have told her she could hire me as her stylist. I don’t care what size you are I will love you no-matter what. I have some friends that could care less what they wear.  I love them. This woman is actually trying though, and failing.

We look at Coats…I don’t need another coat. We look anyway.


<—$499.99…We are at TJMaxx because we DON’T want to spend a lot of money…holy shit!

Then we see this sweet number——>
I can see myself falling in some fresh powder while wearing that. It would look like a box of fruity pebbles had barfed in the snow.


F1 has to pee.
Me…”She’s taking forever….is she losing weight in there?”
F2…”I don’t know, hahahhaha.”
We are all the same size. We all have some form of body dysmorphic disorder. She was REALLY just peeing but we just like to joke about it.
As we head out and are walking through the parking lot…
I tell her what I said.
F1…”Yeah, I’m a skinnier size 0 now!”
Me…”When I put my size 0’s on I feel fat.”

We get in my cool MiniVan.
F1…”Yeah, I had anal fissures once.”
Me…”Is that a kind of toy?"

…just me singing, because I can.

I have to clean up the glitter now;)

The Chaos Theory…4.669

Did you ever watch the old ‘Get Smart’?
Maxwell Smart and Agent 99…fighting the ‘evil’ forces of KAOS
MS…”I missed it by this much."

I wonder what would have happened if KAOS had won.

If you have been reading my past blogs you can see that perhaps by brain is in a constant state of chaos.

This is my studio/office (I think studio sounds so much cooler) ———>
Obviously it is in a state of chaos. Some would just call it a mess but it’s not to me. I know where everything is. I could probably work  in there blindfolded.

I compare my studio to my brain OFTEN.

The Chaos Theory is actually a new concept. It wasn’t discovered by a Mathematician. It was discovered by a Meteorologist. He could only publish in meteorology stuff…’cause he wasn’t a Mathematician. What he discovered was that there was actually a pattern hidden in the chaos.
It wasn’t re-discovered till years later…he just had to wait it out.

With the discovery of the Chaos Theory came the Butterfly Effect. The idea that a butterfly flapping it’s wings could either start a tornado far away…or prevent one…over a long period of time.

I’m going somewhere not very profound here…stick with me;)

If you’ve been in my house it’s neat and tidy (unless the little people have just come home from school).
If you’ve seen me out and about I look put together and nice.
The brain of my house is my studio.
My brain is like my studio, in a constant state of Chaos…If you study Chaos you see there is a pattern.
Now I am waiting for the Butterfly Effect.
Waiting to be discovered.


….OH…the 4.669 is for my really geeky friends. When I call them Geeks it is out of respect and I awe at their magnificentness. Is magnificentness a real word? I don’t know…but if it’s not it should.

Palimpsest…it’s a big word I know;)

Someone new in my life…”Are you always like this?”
Me…”23/7”
…I think to myself, ‘now’

I’ve always been relatively happy, good natured and positive. That’s probably how those of you that know me think of me.
I have a friend that would tell her children, “It’s your choice, you can be happy or sad.”
It’s so true...sort of...

You have a friend in distress, upset or tired of the world; there really isn’t much you can do for them but hold their hand as they find their way. You cannot find it for them.
You cannot make a sick friend get better by making yourself sick.
You cannot not make an angry friend happier by getting angry yourself.
It doesn’t work like that.
You make chicken soup for your sick friend and a bowl of spicy chili for your angry friend…well, that’s what I would do.

When I was younger…OK…young! I lived as a free spirit as much as I could. It felt right and good. I harmed none, I hope. I dressed maybe a little different than my friends and I didn’t own a pair of khaki pants. I said what I wanted to say. I cared not what others thought.

I bought a pair of khaki pants and a sweater set one day. By my own choice. I tried so hard to fit in them it was silly. I still had that little wild side that many can attest too, but it still wasn’t me.
I had been erased, sort of. I was still there living in the guise as someone else.

I got to the point, for many reasons, that I could no longer live as the ‘me’ I had created/written the story of. I envisioned driving into on coming traffic, the calming hot bath and how the blood flows freely there.
This may be a little too deep for some of my readers because they have no idea of how sad I had become.
The front I put on was amazing, I should have won an Oscar for it. I had some friends that held my hand at this time. Some from high school that I had gotten drunk with and that left me at my door step…(That’s another blog;) Air Force friends, Wiccan friends, a loving family and my new friends here in Colorado.

It was my journey…to rediscover who I was….and then figure out what to do about it. They held my hand…tightly and never let go!

My happiness depends on no one but my self. I wanted to be happy so badly, I was so sad though…
One definition of insanity is someone who keeps doing the same thing and getting the same results, when they are looking for something different.
So, I changed my life.

Some may think me a narcissist. I think…no…I’m still here. To be a mother, a friend and some one you can talk to if you need it…I am your lock box.

One Man’s Shopping cart vs MINE!

I was standing in line at King Soopers (Kroger) yesterday and looking around at other peoples shopping carts. Yes, this is what I do when I stand in line. I try to get to know them based on what’s in their cart. What their life is like, do they have pets? Children? Do they know how to cook?
I’m not judging them just…trying to see what’s 'behind THEIR books cover’…

This is his cart. He has a pet dog, lives alone and has no idea how to cook, or doesn’t have the time (I give them the benefit of doubt)…There are many working people who don’t have time. I know this, I don’t live in a bubble. (It was deflated by Joe six pack at Chipotle.)

This man asked me to give credit to Campbell's Soup…there…credit.

My cart is here on the right…———————————————————>

Gorgonzola cheese , ground beef, milk, ketchup, fresh bread, provolone cheese, celery, eggs, milk…and under the store brand, sugar laden cereal that have nutrients that amount to eating cardboard is a chicken.

Obviously I cook and have children.

Today I am making something out of this chicken, I haven’t decided yet…I’ll find out in a couple of hours. In the meantime I have started to cook the chicken though.

  <----That’s all you need….
……then put it in a pot-->





1 3Lb Chicken that I skinned (cut’s back on fat) 
3 Celery ribs 
2 Carrots
1 Onion, quartered 
Some parsley
7-10 Peppercorns
Cover with water and cook over med. heat till chicken is falling off the bone, a couple hours.

With that very simple start you can make SO many things.
Chicken Soup
Chicken and dumplings
Chicken Curry
Chicken enchiladas
..ect….

I’m trying to show you how easy cooking can be….
<—1 Can of Black Beans, drained and rinsed well, 1 can on diced tomatoes, 1 can of chicken, or veg. Broth, 1 rib of celery sliced, 1 garlic clove, crushed and chopped, 1 carrot, sliced, 1 tsp of basil (or parsley, oragano…it doesn’t matter) salt and pepper.

On a cold day this is awesome, and super fast, super good for you and CHEAP!

I also made B.A.N.A.N.A.S (sung like Gwen Stefani)-banana bread. I was watching Rachel Zoe while I made it…She says "That’s bananas", a lot!


 4 Cups of flour (a little less for sea level folks)
 4 tsp baking powder (same as above)
 1tsp Salt
 1 Cup Sugar (2 Tbs removed for high altitude)
 1/2 tsp Cinnamon
 a dash of Chai spice
(stir together)


2 Lg Eggs
4 Ripe aka "no one is gonna eat these I gotta do something with them” mashed bananas
1 Cup milk (a little more for us in the ‘high desert)
2/3 Cup veg. oil (a couple Tbs less for us;)
Mix together and add to dry ingredients …just stir till combined
Put in two loaf pans that have been lightly greased and floured.
Bake at 350 for about 30-45 min. To determine doneness insert a toothpick. If it comes out dry…it’s done.

I am now snacking on said B.A.N.A.N.A.S-banana bread.
I don’t have issues with gluten, so I can;)

                                            

My first try at MasterChef…was a trainwreck!

This is a compilation of events that led to and the day of my FIRST MasterChef casting call. I think it might be very different than you imagined…but it taught me something about myself.

It was Friday afternoon and I received an e-mail from my very good friend, Jill. She said in her e-mail that she saw in the newspaper they were having a casting call for a new show called MasterChef in Denver, on Saturday and that she thought I should give it a go. I thank her and tell her I’m gonna get my stuff together.

I get my paper out of the recycling bin and find the ‘Friday section’…movie reviews, plays and…casting calls….I get on-line and find out as much as I can. (As you read on you will see I didn’t find the correct web site.)

My Ex was out of town so I had to figure out what to do with my three little people. Thankfully one of my very good friends said…”I’ll take them, we’ll have a sleep over.”

I get my stuff together and leave in the very wee hours of the morning. I go to where the web site said. It was the WRONG place! I have to wait for them to open up and ask. I didn’t have a smart phone then, I could look up nothing. Same name…wrong place. I find out where I need to go and head over there.

I get to the right place and get in line…I’m number 10-ish.
I look around and realize something is very wrong!
Stranger…”What did you make.”
Me…”Make!? I didn’t see anything on the web site about having something ready!?”
I’m thinking to myself, ‘You dumbshit…it’s a cooking show try out.’
I suppose I thought they would want us to make something for them there since I hadn’t seen anything about it…never ASSUME…it makes an ASS out of U and ME….this time it was just ME!

I think fast. Where is a grocery store nearby. The people are very friendly and give me directions.
I get out of line and run to the store. I get to the store and look at the produce first.
What can I make super fast, that’s easy and yummy?
I pick up carrots, green onion, cucumber, ginger, garlic, coconut milk, peanut butter, fish sauce and soy sauce.
I pay, leave and go to get back in line.

I’m number I don’t know what now. I’m standing there and I meet some more people. People here in Colorado are very nice and helpful. I love it here.
We go through introductions and chat as we stand in line.
Red headed dude... “What did you make?”
Me…”Nothing yet, I’m gonna make a Thai pasta salad.”
Red headed dude…”It has to be made ahead.”
Me…”Shit, they don’t have a kitchen I can use, it a frigin culinary institute!”
RHD…”No.”
I have some new friends, they just met as well…Brad and Matt.
Matt…”You also need a photo of your self and a photo of your signature dish.”
Me…”Fuck!”(sorry for the language but this is what I really said and they way I REALLY talk.)
Me…”I guess I can drive home to C-Springs, cook and then come back.”
I also thought I could get one of those hotel rooms with a kitchen use it and leave.
Brad…”Why don’t you come back to my place and cook?”
Matt…”Thats a great idea.”
Brad…”Let us finish with our stuff and then we will head out.”
I’m thinking, ‘These are strangers. Men at that, but if I don’t give it my all, I lose, by my own hand.’
Me…”Ok.”
We all stand in line and I wait for them to finish up…they are very good cooks but did not get the ‘yellow slip’. I don’t get it.
Matt and I get into my cool MiniVan and follow Brad to his house.
I can’t believe I just made these two friends. Holy shit what am I doing?! I have a stranger in my van and I’m driving to another strangers house!
We get there and I start slicing and cooking. I worked fast. Brad took some photos and Matt loaned me a plate for my food all the while some BudLite was being consumed…they are Southern Gentlemen in Colorado!
Matt and I head back and I get back in line AGAIN…it’s a bit;) longer now.

I got the coveted yellow slip for a second call.
You all know I did not make it on the show the first time but…I tried…I tried so hard I got back in line THREE times.

Matt stuck with me the whole time. I was even able to meet his fabulous wife when I dropped him off at home, she had dropped him off. I was also able to meet Brads wife, hottie that she is. They remain my friends to this day and I am thankful for ALL the help from ALL my friends that helped me that day and the one that gave me the info to start.

I love to cook. I want MY cookbook published one day. I want MY own T.V. show as well. Yes, it sounds silly I know.  It is just the first of a few things I want…I want even more than that!

Even if I don’t make the second call…I’ll figure something out.

It takes a lot of work to be as vain as me

I like lookin’ good, don’t you?
It takes work for me though as nothing is handed to us on a silver plater…Unless we are dinning someplace really nice.

Women read magazines and see pictures of famous people and models that look stunning even though they have just given birth. They of course have personal trainers and chefs that are at their beck and call. Their photos have been airbrushed and we know it, but when we see them we judge ourselves.

We take our clothes off and look in the mirror.

Do you know what your man sees when he sees you naked? He sees you! He can probably trace his fingers along your stretch marks, each one precious to him, because you gave him life eternal, the gift of a child. He also sees the parts that bring him pleasure. He doesn’t see the cellulite and loves you for you.
I believe this with all my heart.

I was at the Kadena O’Club one night. The soon to be Majors were buying ALL the drinks…you know I was there!..another night at the Roxberry…
My youngest had only been with us for a couple of months.
This amazingly hot fighter pilot approaches me. (I could probably write a whole Blog on Fighter Pilots)
Him…"You look great for just having having a baby!”
We all know I had not given birth!
Me..”Thanks.”
I’m so taken a back I didn’t know what to say.
First...I didn’t just give birth!
I was a size 8 and weighed almost 140lbs. I’m 5.7. That is probably average and healthy.
Second…I didn’t know he knew I existed let alone had a ‘new’ baby. I remember what I was wearing; a light blue A-line skirt and a champaign coloured silk shirt.  I wore the A-line skirt to hide my 'saddle bags’.
I walked away with my hands full of drinks, my mind going a mile a minute.
I put the drinks down and go find him. He’s with his wife who has her midriff showing just a bit. She’s tall, long blond hair and beautiful. You know what else she is, very nice.
Me..”Hey!…I just need to clarify something. I didn’t give birth…to any of my children.”
Him…”Holy crap, you’re like a real live Angelina Jolie! That is even cooler.”
Me…”Not really, but no woman can be this small two months after giving birth”
This was before Heidi Klum ruined everything for Women that had birthed babies.
We chat for a bit, I walk away…I can’t stop thinking about it.

Do you know what I did the next day?!

I stood in front of the mirror.
I hadn’t worn shorts in forever. I wore capri pants all the time and skirts. I was curvaceous, yes, that should be ‘ok’. I never exercised, EVER! (That is NOT ok.) I had never played sports…unless you count volley ball when I was 18 in Cocoa Beach.
When I was younger, I was just small. I had as they say’ ‘let myself go’.

This was not about him or anyone else.
It was about what I thought about me.

I decided to change my physical self.
I started walking up and down the hills of Kadena pushing a double stroller with my 2 oldest in it, my youngest was sitting behind me on my back. I walked everywhere, the commissary, the BX and the post office. One day I went to the gym with them and put them behind the half glass ‘container for little people’. I got on the elliptical and went 3 miles.
A couple of weeks later I realized I could RUN…..and run I did. I became almost obsessive about it. Up and down hills…miles and miles…

My Ex would come home from work and I would head out. I was running 7+ miles a day up some very steep hills and I weighed 105Lbs. I wasn’t lifting weights at this time so I was very skinny and not defined.
My now Ex looked at me and said one day…”Yeah, I guess they really won’t go away.” He was referring to my ’saddle bags’. This did NOT make me mad, he was right. I had been telling him for years how much I hated that part of my body.

We ended up back in GA for a second go around at Moody AFB and my Ex said I could get them fixed if I wanted. I WANTED! So to the Dr. I went…I still have cellulite, but now I’m ok with it. It was about ME, not what others thought about me.

Those little ‘Angry Mom’ lines we get between our eyes…I hate those on me. I have them taken care of…yeah…I DO. I save up and once a year I go to my Dr. and she fixes them for me with Botox. I’m not ashamed of it and don’t care who knows. I actually WANT you to know. I wish I had as much money as Nickole Kidman…I would get my whole 5 head done!

I now work out hard and fast to take care of my body. I will lift weights for an hour and a half some days. I kick box and I run.
I realized nothing is handed to us they way we wish it was. I like my physical body better now than I ever did before. I will not deny it.
You should know the truth.
I had work done.
I like me better now because of it.
I also work VERY hard to keep it!
My breasts are not bionic…But I understand the women that have them, not fixed, they weren’t broken, but…done the way they want them! They do it for themselves.

I’m a Libra. I have this brilliant book...
Born on a Rotten Day 
'If you love One-Libra Woman'
“Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery.”
Beverly Johnson (October 13)

Linner Def: When you eat so much for Lunch, you don’t need dinner

I had lunch yesterday. I was hungry and had been sitting in front of my computer for hours and needed to get out. I send the text out…

‘Lunch?’

F1 and F2 were up.

F2…via text’I can’t go down town, I have errands to run’

Me…’thats cool, i’m just hungry!’

I pick my friends up and we start driving

Chicken Club with chiplotle Mayo

Me…”Where are we going?”
Them…”I don’t care.”
F1…”Here we go with the scenic route again.”
If you have ever driven in my cool MiniVan with me you know it has an awesome built in GPS. Even if I plug an address in I still go my own way and usually it’s very scenic and takes an extra long time.
Me…”Ok…Rockbottom it is.”
We sit in the bar area and peruse the menu.
Me…”What errands do you have to run?”
F2…”I have to get Tylenol.”
(That’s really not an errand to me, I thought she had to actually get things done.)
Me…”Ok, we’ll head to WalGreens after.”
F2…”What drink did we have last time we were here?”
Me…”The lemonicho...double!”
F2…”Oh yeah!…$24 later!”
Me…”I’m just getting it regular today.”
The waitress comes by and takes our order.
Me…”I’ll have the The Laredo.”
Her…”Do you want the chicken…?”
Me…”No, I want the burger, I look like a girl, I don’t eat like one."
We order our lunch and drinks.

This is my Burger. I ate the whole thing.

I ordered this Burger. It came with guacamole, pico de gallo and chipotle mayo. I know it looks disgusting but I have this obsession with condiments and pickles. I had to ask for pickles and mustard. I want EVERYTHING on my burger! I won’t bite into it until it’s put together perfectly. I want it to ooze ketchup, mustard, mayo and guac when I bite into it. It should be dripping down my hands. When I’m done my napkin is disgusting.

We chatted and finished our lunch.



We ran a few errands and ended up at Old Navy. I don’t normally shop at Old Navy but thought, ‘Hey, we’re here, lets go in.’ I’m looking at the sale racks and can not believe that there are so many ‘bluegrass’ green Corduroy pants are on sale! I wonder if that buyer was fired?

F1...”Man, that lunch is sticking with me.”
Me…”Yeah me too, I wonder why…hahahahaha!”
F2…”We just had Linner, When you eat so much lunch you don’t want dinner."

Thanksgiving Recipes

The holiday season has begun. Some of you are excited about getting in the kitchen and entertaining friends and family, others are dreading it like…the plague….the flu…changing the battery in your smoke detector on your 20 foot ceiling...
I urge, no, I plead and beg you…donate that can of cream of mushroom soup to the food bank…PLEASE!
A little planning and yes, I will admit a lot of work and your family and friends bellies will jiggle like a bowl full of jelly.
I have compiled some recipes that I have tried and love. They come from magazines, newspapers, cookbooks, my grandmothers and mother, but all of them, I like to twist and make my own. I will also give credit where credit is due, for without Alton Brown I can’t help you cook your Turkey.

Starters


Fig and Walnut Tapenade with Goat Cheese
1 C chopped and stemmed dried Calimyrna figs. (If you can’t find figs I love to use Medjool Dates as well)
1/3 C water (if using Medjool Dates use 1/4 C water)
1/3 C Kalamata Olives
2Tbs Extra virgin olive oil
1Tbs Balsamic Vinegar
2Tbs Capers
1tsp fresh thyme (if you have to used dried, use 1/2 tsp)


1 small log of goat cheese (Cherve)
1/2 C toasted walnuts (I’ve used pecans as well)
I loaf of french bread that you have sliced into 1/4 inch’s and baked to make toasts. (350 degree oven, place slices on cooling rack IN oven, watch carefully and turn to cook other side when golden brown and then remove from oven and set aside)


Combine figs and water in saucepan over med. heat till water is absorbed, about 5-8 min. Meanwhile pit olives with ‘cherry pitter’ if they have seeds, and chop , big or small, doesn’t matter. Add to bowl, add capers, olive oil, vinegar and thyme. When figs are ready chop them well and add to bowl. Season with salt and pepper. (you can make this 3 days ahead, cover it and place in fridge) Sans the nuts, toasts and goat cheese! 
When ready to serve bring to room temp, add the nuts. Surround with goat cheese and serve with toasts. 
If you want you can use crackers, I know you’re busy.
(Epicurious and Bon Appetit)


Asparagus Rolls
This is a GREAT make ahead because you HAVE to freeze it:)
25 Asparagus spears (trim base of spears by breaking off thick ends)
25 slices of bread, crust removed and rolled out FLAT.
8oz cream cheese
3oz of blue cheese or gorgonzola 
1egg
2sticks butter, more or less if you need.


Have a bowl of ice water set to the side. Bring a pot of salted (1 tsp salt?) water to boil and add asparagus, blanch asparagus till tender, 3-5ish min. Add to ice water when ready to stop cooking. (this will keep the lovely green colour bright and you asparagus won’t be mushy)
Beat cheese’s and egg with mixer till combined
Melt butter and set aside
Drain asparagus
Spread an even amount of cheese mixture on bread add asparagus, roll up and roll bread in melted butter. Place seam side down on parchment lined cookie sheet…repeat, 24 more times. Freeze for 24 hours then if not using ‘right away’ place in freezer bag till ready.
When ready to cook place in 400 degree oven for 15 min.
(Junior League Centennial Cookbook)


Sides and Stuff


Cranberry Sauce
1C dry red wine (that you would drink)
1C Orange juice
1/2 cup Splenda brown sugar (or more if desired to taste)
a dash of cloves
a dash of allspice
1/2tsp cinnamon 
1 Bag of fresh cranberries, rinsed and drained


Bring wine, juice and sugar to boil till sugar is dissolved add spices and lower heat and reduce by 1/4 ish.  Add the cranberries, cook  till they burst, about 10 min. Remove from heat. If it’s to saucy drain and reserve the sauce for a cocktail;)
Can be made a week ahead, keep in fridge.
(me)


Brussel Sprouts
This recipe is another fly by the pants…
Brussel Sprouts, cleaned and cut in half.
Olive oil
2-3 Tbs Gorgonzola cheese
Cream
Salt and pepper
Saute brussel sprouts till golden brown. Add Cheese and a about 1/4 C of cream. Lower heat and cook for maybe 5 min. Add Salt and Pepper to taste.
(Me)


Sweet Potatoes


Whole Roasted Yams with Maple Allspice
1C butter at room temp
1/4C Pure Maple syrup
1/2tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground allspice
1/2 tsp blk pepper


8 small yams/sweet potatoes …what ever you want to call them…


Mix frist 5 ingredients in bowl. You cam make this ahead and keep it in your fridge for 3 days.
Pre-heat oven to 375. Pierce potatoes al over with fork, bake until tender, about an hour.
Cut potatoes in half, be careful they will be hot and your hands are probably not made of asbestos like mine. Remove the flesh and put in bowl. Add 8Tbs of butter mixture and blend together. Put the flesh back into the potatoes and serve with extra butter on the side.
(Bon Appetit)


Sweet Potato Casserole
6 Med Sweet Potatoes
1/2 C Brwn Sugar
2 lg eggs
1tsp Vanilla (no imitation)
1/3C 1/2 and 1/2
1/2C butter, melted
1C packed Brwn Sugar
2Tbs Flour
1/4C Butter
1C Chopped pecans or Walnuts


Cook whole sweet potatoes on boiling water till tender(45min-ish) Remove, cool, peel and mash. Combine sweet potato mash, 1/2 C brwn sugar and next 4 ingred.. Beat with mixer till blended. Place in greased oven proof dish.
Combine 1C brown sugar and flour, cut in butter until crumbly. Stir in nuts. Sprinkle over sweet potato mash. 
Bake in oven at 350 for 30 min. or lightly browned and bubbly.
(Southern Living)


Dressing/Stuffing


The difference between dressing and stuffing; Stuffing cooks in the bird or roast, dressing cooks separately. I only stuff roasts not turkeys because that’s what Alton taught me.

I start my dressing weeks in advance by making...get this the corn bread recipe on the back of the cornmeal container. I do however add a couple of extra teaspoons of sugar. I cook it, cool it wrap it up and put it in the freezer until I’m ready. This Recipe is ‘old school’. I just make it, I have actually never measured anything, so you will be making it on a wing and a prayer….like me. Sometimes I add other things as well. I’ll give you a few ideas at the bottom.


1lb Loose Sausage
1 1/2C Chopped onion
4 or 5 Celery ribs sliced thinly
1/4 C Butter
Corn bread
Stale bread.
Chicken Broth
Rubbed Sage
Salt and pepper
Cook sausage and set aside in bowl. Saute onion and celery in butter till tender over Med. heat. Add to sausage. Add thawed cornbread and loaf of day old bread. Start adding broth till bread is moist. Add salt, pepper and Sage. You can taste it so you can adjust the seasoning at this point. 
Sometimes, I saute apples with the celery and onion.
Or add some of my cranberry sauce
To be honest I put in it what ever I have around. To some of us cooking is second nature, so I apologize for the lack of info in this recipe. I will measure it all out when I make it, but even then, it changes and morphs with time and my mood.


The Turkey
A few hints and things you will need. A probe thermometer with alarm. A roasting pan and rack;) .
When you buy a Turkey OR a chicken there is a bag of innards inside it, the neck heart, liver and such. You need to remove this bag. I reserve said innards for gravy.


1 14-16 Lb Turkey  Thawed in fridge for several days.
Alton Brown (a hero of mine) likes to brine his turkey. You don’t have too though, if you wanna short cut.
Brine
1 Gallon Veg Stock
1C kosher salt
1/2C packed Brwn Sugar
1Tbs Blk Peppercorns
1 1/2tsp whole All-Spice berries
1 1/2tsp Candied Ginger
1 Gallon heavily Iced Water


Aromatics (The stuff you put on and IN said Turkey)
1 Apple, quartered
1/2 an onion, quartered
1 Cinnamon Stick
1C water Sage Leaves
Canola oil for coating Turkey


If brining 
Combine veg. stock, salt, sugar, ….well, everything but iced water…in large stock pot over Med. High heat. Bring to boil and make sure all solids are dissolved. Remove from heat and bring to room temp. and place in fridge.
The night before you want to cook the turkey…in a 5 gallon bucket (clean please;) Place turkey (innards removed) breast side down in the brine add iced water and refrigerate or place in cool place. Make sure Turkey is completely submerged. 8 to 16 hours….turning 1/2 way through.


If not brining, skip above step.


Pre-heat oven to 500 degrees. Rinse Turkey inside and out (even if not brining) place on roasting rack and pat dry with paper towels. Combine Apple, onion and cinnamon in 1 C water and microwave for 5 min. Remove from water and put aromatics inside Turkey along with sage. I pour the water in the bottom of the roaster. Liberally coat Turkey with oil all over.
Roast Turkey on the lowest rack of oven at 500 degrees (don’t be scared, I promise it works) for 30 min. Insert a probe thermometer into the thickest part of the breast. (make sure it DOES NOT TOUCH BONE) Reduce oven temp to 350. Set thermometer alarm to 161. A 14-16 lb Bird should require a total of 2 or 2 1/2 hours to cook.
(Alton Brown)

Just for fun

I love being me. I don’t want to be anyone else. I want you to be you. I like you the way you are.

I like to joke that when I was standing in line to be made I kept getting back in line to get more cool stuff for this lifetime.

I’m not perfect, that would be boring.
I am not boring.

A Private Cooking Lesson

I have a friend. She’s 27, 3 children. Her husband is in the Army and is deployed for a year. Her husband usually cooks. She doesn’t know how to cook and asked me to teach her. I love helping people.
I asked her what she wanted to learn.
Her…”I don’t know anything.”
Me…”Ok, we’ll start off really simple, Italian: meatballs and tomato meat sauce and a cream sauce.”
I send her a list of ingredients. 3 lbs of ground beef, 2 lg cans crushed tomatoes, 2 cans of diced tomatoes, Cream, onions, basil (fresh and dried), oregano, garlic, mushrooms, spinach, dry red wine….
She sends me a text…’REAL red wine?’

I’m getting ready to head over to her place. I get in my cool MiniVan and get out and come back inside. I get my knife. Using other peoples knives bothers me. They’re either not sharp or have those tiny little serrated edges. There are two things to use a serrated knife for, bread and tomatoes.


I get there and look around her pantry and see what she has…getting a lay of the land as they say.
It was a barren desert.

We start with the onion. I ask her to hold the knife for me. She holds it like most people. I fix it for her and show her how to do it properly. She chops stuff up and we get our ‘mis en place’
Me…"That’s french for getting your $hit together before you cook."

Meatballs
3/4 of the ground beef.
A couple slices of bread I have soaked in water and squeezed out the excess.
Me…”My Polish Grandmother’s best friend was Italian and taught her how to cook Italian food. When I was a little girl she would sit me down and say, ‘watch’. Just me, not my siblings. I didn’t know why.”
The bread keeps the meat moist and also makes it go farther when you don’t have a lot of $.
Dried basil
Garlic 
Onion
An Egg
Salt and Pepper
She mixes it all up and makes her little meatballs and places them on a plate.
Me…”You ready for this cool trick?”
I put them in the microwave.
Her…”NO WAY!…That’s awesome.” She has a great accent. She’s from Wisconsin.
Me…”I know right? My friend who is an archeologist taught me this trick.” (Side note- My archeologist’s friend is married to an Active Duty Member, he’s gone for a year. This is my shout out to you my dear friend!)
Me…”So how are things going?”
Her…”The kids are having a hard time.”
Me…”I’m sorry.”
Her…”I remember the first time he was gone. I think I was drunk for the first 3 months. He was always out there and I knew how dangerous it was.”
Me…”I get that, I have some ‘spirit filled’ friends, and I’m not talking about Jesus!”
Me…”I had a friend who’s husband was deployed, she said, 'I would really just like a drink, but I don’t want to drink alone.’ I replied with, ‘You’re not alone, you have your daughter in the house don’t you.’
I’m not saying I give great advise, but hey, this is just the way I roll.

Tomato Meat Sauce
1lb ground beef browned and drained.
Onions, Saute in olive oil.
Garlic
Mushrooms
Add the cooked beef.
The cans of crushed tomatoes and diced.
1/4 C red wine.
Basil
Oregano
Sugar
Onion powder
Garlic powder
Salt and pepper
I tried to make it as simple and as easy as I could. I don’t measure but I tried. Adjusting the spices as it cooked.

Me…”Isn’t it better than Ragu.”
Her…”Yeah, way better.”
Me…”and cheaper too.”
We start talking about processed foods.
That already grated cheese you buy in the bag…do you know what they use so it doesn’t stick together?
Woodchips….or pulp, what ever you want to call it. I might be making that up, but I don’t think I am.

Cream Sauce
Onions
Garlic
Sausage I found in her Fridge. Brats actually.
Mushrooms 
Spinach
Saute it up in Olive Oil.
Add a splash of red wine and cream
Salt, Pepper 
Fresh Basil
"Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy!”

I ask her if she has a food processor.
Her…”What’s a food processor?”
She has a fry Daddy.
Her…”It’s awesome, you can fry two different things at the same time."


I’m not making fun of her. She knows I’m writing this. She’s gracious, funny and beautiful in-side and out.
When my parents were first married they were living in the Bahamas. My Mother did not know how to cook. She made a pizza and put ketchup on it. She didn’t know any better. My mother made sure I would know how to cook.
I will help you if you need it.