Just Show The Fuck Up…And I’ll Be Fine, I Think.

Last night I unloaded on a Man I hardly know, via text. It’s something I rarely do but lately everything I have been through regarding Men has made me question myself and what it is about me that Men find so easy to reject.
I know rejection is a strong word. This is how I see it and it happens to me over and over.
Perhaps it started when My Ex rejected my feelings and I found out I and my feelings were not a priority.
…..
Men scare the shit out of me sometimes. I’m not physically afraid of them…I’m afraid of the unspoken boundaries and where I belong in their lives. I’m afraid of stepping on their toes and ruining the remote semblance of any relationship I even have a chance of having with them.

I asked my girlfriend…
…”I just wanna ask him if he’s even ‘into’ me. ‘Cause I can’t tell at all.”

Note...If I am even thinking that perhaps he’s ‘not that into me’, then he probably isn’t right?
Oh, but I’m a dreamer.

I had my big party Friday night and my date sent me a text around 7pm…the party started at 7:30…
He wasn’t gonna be able to make it. He had a legitimate reason. I played it as cool as I could. F1 and F2 were already at my place though and they could see I was visibly upset.
I had foreseen that he wouldn’t be there so I had mentally prepared myself for the inevitable. It still hurt though.

If I told you how many times I have been stood up it would probably shock you. Each time it happens I do my best to not let people know how much it bothers me. Inside though it tears me up and I wonder if there will be enough glue or tape to put me back together. I’m falling to pieces here.

This isn’t the first time I’ve run into this problem.

When I invited Huckleberry out for date night I KNEW he wasn’t gonna make it.

The night of date night that he decided not to go I had given him an out. (maybe I shouldn’t have been so kind. Although now I’m glad I did and I got to know his person better because of it.) I knew he had been through something ‘personal’ but it was over and done…in my eyes he just was looking for a reason not to come out with me…in public.

http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2011/04/my-social-life.html

I heard from Huckleberry… a few days later via text...
…’Checked into ur site for the first time in forever.saw my nickname. And saw that we fought? I didn’t remember us fighting. Are the facts of all your posts So inaccurate? Surprised but not really…As long as u feel guide about you, right? Who cares about anyone else? Goodnight.’

I have not responded to Huckleberry’s text. It’s my blog, my point of view…and he has no idea how much he hurt me when he judged me. He can deny that he judged me to himself but it all came down to my life and how I live it…

I just feel that men think I’m invulnerable or maybe they just don’t care about the fact that I DO have feelings.
One of my single girlfriends and I have compared our relationships…
Her...she has had the nicest boyfriends…they are generous, kind and pay her attention.
Me…"I’m just happy they show the fuck up"….and usually it’s on their own time schedule, not mine.

Then there was this other time when I had invited a friend over who I had been in home dating (code word booty call) off and on for sometime…we had shared a lot with each other and a lot of time together as well. Then our relationship ended and I would only hear from him when he was having problems with his girlfriends. I was never his girl friend.
So I had invited him over for dinner, he accepted. The time comes and I wait and wait…he never showed up. Just didn’t show up. He told me later he thought it would be better to not show up than create drama. Really?!
He probably would have created LESS drama by letting me know ahead of time so I wouldn’t have gone to through cooking and cleaning.
Oh…I heard from him Saturday night…He’s probably having girl friend issues again…I will most likely hear from him this weekend as well…He will NOT be invited over.

So back to last night…
…maybe now you can see why I have felt so rejected by Men. Afraid to even ask them a simple question that might be construed as…
…”Here we go again…another female with issues.”

I don’t want a key to your place and I sure as hell don’t want you to have a key to mine.
I don’t want to move in or get married…

I have set my standards so low all you have to do is…

…just show the fuck up…and on-time would be nice…DO this and the Unholy Trinity of Me, Myself and I wouldn’t HAVE any issues.

Note…my guy friend handled me and the mess that I am very well. Although now I know there is a chance that I won’t hear from him again…I HAD to put it on the line, finally, and not be scared. I figure I’ve handled this much rejection I suppose I can take more.

Addiction and Oxycodone

I was watching the movie Traffic awhile ago. A marvelous film about the drug war, Mexico and more importantly addiction.

Since my knee surgery I have had to take Oxycodone.
Oxycodone is the generic version of Percocet and is HIGHLY addictive.

I can’t take over the counter pain relievers because it deters the ‘dead people’ part in my knee from adhering to the holes that were drilled into my bones and then inserted and held there with screws.
…and to be totally honest I don’t think they would do a damn thing for me anyway.
I am a very active woman with a lot on my plate and by 12 in the afternoon all I usually want to do ice my knee so it’s numb. It hurts all the time. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night with shooting pains. I live in a split level four story house and to get anywhere I have to go up and down stairs. I also workout a little harder than the average woman due to my vanity and I want my leg muscles back in the worst way.

"Take 1 to 2 tablets by mouth every 4 hours as needed”

Well shit, if I did that I couldn’t get anything done. I have people to do and things to be. I have things to do and places to be.

Oxycodone makes me all glassy eyed and and I can’t even feel my knee when I take them…but because I can’t take anything else if I have a headache or any other pain…it’s the only thing I can take.
…So, I would cut them up, into halves and quarters…
I wouldn’t take 2 at a time but sometimes I would take 1 1/2. There were a few(3) days I had to take more than 2, but I wouldn’t allow myself anymore than a total of 3 1/2 a day…those were bad days in the life of my knee and pain management.

I spoke to my Girlfriends and Physical Terrorist Therapist about my concerns about becoming addicted to this drug and how I could manage my pain better.
F1…”We don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, are you sure you don’t already have a problem.” (I think I paraphrased that…but that is what I heard.)
Me…”That is why I am telling you about it and my fears I have OF it.”

My Terrorist Therapist just told me to slow down and is having me do a few things differently. There IS NO slowing down for me though.

Yesterday I had to call the nurse about a refill or the go ahead to take something other than Oxycodone…I WANT something different because I’m scared to death and don’t want to turn into some pill popping waste.

Me…”I want the fame, I don’t want the addictions that comes with it though.”

I’m now taking a new drug…I’ll see how I do.

The 5 Year Plan

I’ll get to the 5 year plan in a bit…

Today I received this message from F4…

"Thank Goodness It's Friday"......
You hear them all scream......
It's the gathering day.....
Of the "therapy team".

"Come one, Come all".....
To the______ Pad.....
Good times will be shared.....
(And probably some bad!)

"How 'bout a 'rita?"
The blender's a go......
Or whatever concoction....
You're ready to throw!

Hope to see you.....
When the clock strikes one.....
For a couple of hours......
Of afternoon fun!


A delight for me to see for sure!…After feeling like a failure in so many aspects of my life I NEEDED my Friends and our “Therapy” session.


We started our chat about my tax failure. 
F2…”You should have just brought everything over here, we could have done it together!”
Me…”It’s so complicated though…”
Back of my mind, I HAD thought about it. I have some very smart friends and 1 has a degree in finance, I think…although now a days she just herds her children doing everything she can to stay sane.
I would rather just pay someone than put my friends through this tax torture.


We move on...
We chat about everything, nothing is off limits. 


Today however F1 was a little concerned about me.
The Saturday night Trainwreck was brought up..
F1…”If you can’t share with us, then are we really true friends?”
…she has a point. I had thought about it on the way to therapy…about sharing how I was really feeling and about my fears.


Note…sorry about the font change…it looks normal as I type but seems to have a mind of it’s own.


So I let my guard down and talked, and shared…F7 handed me tissues and I told them about Sunday, when one of our other friends, K was over…


Tissues…Sunday afternoon, I tell K about my trainwreckieness and I also tell her why I am such a mess…tears are streaming from my eyes as I embarrassedly head to the bathroom and grab some tissues… While I’m in there, door open…I am pulling out tissues and they keep tearing, one after the other…I start laughing, hysterically as I’m crying…I come up to her with all these torn tissues in the open palms of my hands, laughing so hard…
Me…”I can’t even get a fucking tissue properly!”
She laughed her ass off and told me a similar story…
I love her.

Back to todays therapy…I shared my fears and feelings openly. These women are not JUST my friends or sisters…I truly believe God put us together because we would need each other in the now and the  future. Just like I know I live in this house because K and I NEEDED to meet.
Anyway…I digress…I love digression…
F1…”Well, if we lived to 40 marriage would be great, that’s why foursomes should be legal.”
We start talking about gay marriage/unions/ such and the like…and the Bible. A few of my friends are very religious…I love that about them.

F?…”…but the bible say’s…”
Me…”The bible says a lot and people pick and choose what they want as do the many different Protestant Religions…”
Uh Oh…here we go again…
Me…”Remember Emperor Constantine and his crew at the Nicene gathering (I’m paraphrasing) put the Bible together…THEY picked and choose too…and that’s all you see now.”

Me…”Don’t you ever wonder what was left out…like…”

…”Look out world! 1971, September 23rd, Kristin WILL be born and she will change the world!”

F4…”…and the Anti-Christ was born!"

I love my friends.

We continue with the discussion on Marriage…

This is the 5 Year Plan…
I have a friend. He’s a retired Pro Hockey Player and a French Canadian, who has been married twice, and divorced twice...and this is HIS plan. He’s not a typical athlete. He’s smart, really smart as well as driven.

Note…I haven’t talked to him in about week (he doesn’t live near me) but I WILL call him when and if I post this to let him know he made my blog. (I know all my friends like making my blog…I’m so full of myself I can’t even stand being around me sometimes;)

If he ever get’s Married again he and she will sign a contract for 5 years. Then if in another 5 years things are still going well, they sign on for another 5 years for a total of 10. At 10 years it’s ALL or nothing. No going back and divorce is no longer an option.

Note…He lives in California where at the 10 year point everything is split 50/50…he has seen his friends lose a lot.

I like his plan…but I would take it to another level.
The contract should include SO much more…house hold chores, children, who pays the bills…how often they have sex….a detailed contract.

...As I see it, there are only two reasons to get married, Tax breaks and being able to be a family and god forbid anything happens you can see each other in the hospital (I’m pro Gay marriage too.)

I wonder if I should work on a different kind of 5 year plan?…Because I don’t think I’d ever get married again. A sensible one to make my life and all aspects there of better…a contract with myself.

It was a good, needed day with friends. No, not just friends but my soul family…although there were more than a few missing.

My Tax Battle With Myself

I started doing my taxes for the 2010 year. I have never before in my life done my own taxes. My father either did them for me or my Ex did them.

I am feeling like a total idiot. I hate math, numbers and dealing with money. I hate it so much I have a financial advisor. I would rather pay someone to deal with what little money I have than do it myself.

I’ve downloaded all this stuff and I am looking at it like it’s in some foreign language.

I know I’m gonna owe tons of money. The only taxes I pay during the year is sales tax on all the shoes and  boot’s I buy.
In anticipation of owing I have been saving all year long. I have an amazing financial advisor who guides me and helps me ease my fear of numbers and money.
Sadly that fear still exists and not in the depths of my soul but I wear this fear like a Mormon wears their special under clothes as a reminder of their faith. I cover it up with just regular clothes, but with the removal of one layer…there it is, just under the surface.

I am sitting on my sofa surrounded by papers with #’s and ‘form’s’ typed in a bold font. I’ve been looking at these papers for some weeks now. Thinkin’ to myself…
…’I can do this. I’m not stupid.’
This morning I found out I am a disorganized mess and I can’t actually do this by myself.
I don’t have a real job but I DO have income and other stuff.

I downloaded TurboTax a few weeks ago and started...and tried and tried…and tried even more...But because of my situation I’m having a difficult time finding all the info I need.
I’ve had friends galore offering to help me out but I’m so embarrassed about this mess I don’t want them to know what a mess I really am. (So I blog about it…DUHhhhhhhh!!!)

So I’m gonna have to hire a tax pro. I will NOT go to one of those places that has someone standing on the side of a road dressed like the Statue Of Liberty, spinning some sign. I think that would be like going to the place on Platte that has a sign sayin', “Free Tattoo”…I think I’d rather pay for this kind of thing and have someone with good credentials and referrals.

I have also filed for an extension. As of now it’s pending…
I wish number’s came to me as easily as word’s do.

…Is it 1 yet? I need a drink.

My ‘Social’ life.

How fucked up am I? I continually to ask myself this question.

I stopped acting like a dude a bit ago. Big mistake I think sometimes.

I had this relationship-ish with Huckleberry awhile ago. It was ok-ish.

Note…my life is filled with “ish’s”

We weren’t serious. Although I am a bit at a stage where I WOULD like to have a guy actually go OUT with me. I had invited him to go on a date night with my friends and me. He accepted. He had already met some of my girlfriends so he wouldn’t be a stranger.

The day of he cancelled on me. Personal reasons. What ever! I had a great time as I’m not used to going out on date night WITH a date. That would be ludicrous…me, with a date.

I had a blog idea the day before (when I thought Huckleberry was going to be my date). Pictures of me posted on FB with all my friends doing what could be perceived as inappropriate but were actually completely innocent.
The next day Huckleberry got all mad at me and we got in a fight.
He knew I was a crazy ass bitch who is gonna do what ever I want…I wasn’t having sex with other people…I was taking fucking pictures.

OVER IT!
DONE!

Yada, yada, fucking YADA!

Saturday night the girls and I went out to our little watering hole and danced the night away. I had a foot long hotdog at around noon and for dinner I had 4 crackers with cheese. Duh…very bad idea. F2 had half of her husbands chicken sandwich. Duh…very bad idea.
F2 and I were a mess at the end of the night. I did tons of shots with some JuJitsu buddies I didn’t know would be out…glad to see them though….and she’s just a light weight.
She had fallen down some stairs, twice. (I swear we are adults, we just LIVE.)…and me, well, I don’t know what was wrong with me, or what triggered my abnormal reaction…When we got in the car to go home I started crying…then balling…after that I was just a complete trainwreck. F2 joined me in my trainwreckiness.

Note…There is a connection…I think.

If ya wanna read past blogs to see what has been going on in my ‘social life’ please do.
On-line dating didn’t work…and then I met Super C for the third time…and we hit it off. (should I add an ish?)
He’s not my boyfriend. We see each other once a week. Although this week I think is a no go. Priorities and all. I actually don’t want to step on his toes, get in his way, in general be a pain in the ass. Live and let live right? I told him tonight via text …
…’When you get to #92 let me know…I’ll que up”
He has a ton going on and I want to be understanding to a certain extent.

My friends however have other thoughts…
…”He doesn’t show you enough attention.”
…”Why doesn’t he take you OUT?”
(we ‘in-home' date.)
…”I swear Kristin, what are you doing? You can have anyone.”
Me…”He’s nice, the sex is….above average, way above…leave me alone.”

I have no idea where I ever stand with men other than I am a hole.

I have invited Super C to a party I’m throwing next Friday. I have one big party a year. Last year it was for my birthday. Crazy ass time might not describe it. Friends came in from out of town and I think it ended around 5 am.
Here’s the kicker…for this party. I have friends coming in from all over. (I think…you best show up bitches.)

Note…bitches can be a term used for men and women a like.

As I was sayin’…Super C is my date that night…if he shows up. I cross my finger and my toes he does just that.
Oh…the kicker…I have one confirmed single male friend coming and he will be staying with me….as are other couples….from the north and the south…

F1…”He’s not another one of your hot friends is he?”
Me…”Yes.”
F1…”Jiminy Crickets woman.”

In the back of my mind I’m thinking’…
…”Can Super C take all my shit, friends and such?"
…”Hmmm..I wonder if one if my Bestier’s is gonna surprise me. He LOVES a costume party and has a little time to kill right now.”
….My friend showing up is JUST my friend…Huckleberry would have had his panties in a wad. Will Super C?

Note…A Bestie is better than a BFF and a Bestier is even higher.

So here I am…a bit of a trainwreck ‘cause my magic armor has been removed and I have invited a guy to a party to be my date and I don’t even think he’s that into me unless he’s in me. I’m not a priority and I UNDERSTAND that I am not…and I’m ok with it. But…I will have an unbelievable time at my party.

As I type this I think…"holy shit he’s gonna read this", as is Huckleberry, my dude friends and everyone else…

I live my life on line-ish

Can any man handle this/me?

Oh…the connection of events… Sat. night I think I was feeling a compete rejection from men…not that night, just in life for what ever reason…copious amount of alcohol and no food….blah!…
…I don’t want more “Blah!"

Why Are You Such A Bitch?

Seriously…

Why ARE you such a bitch?
Is it your hobby?
Are you one of those people that complain about everything?
Or do you just complain about certain things?

Note…I complain and turn into a raving bitch when ever I drop my Children off at school. The level of stupidity and lack of common sense I see in the ‘Piss and Drop’ line astounds me.

Some people I come across have a vigorous drive to make everyone miserable around them. Nothing is right, good, ok…not even mediocre.

They love to play the blame game. It’s never their fault. They walk around with a permanent scowl on their face. Which does not look pretty on them.

It doesn’t matter what makes them un-happy.
They don’t like their weight.
They never have enough money.
Their Children have disciplinary problems.
Their Spouse is an ass and does nothing to help around the house.
The line in a store is to long.
You can’t find a date.

You are in general un happy about things and circumstances.

You need to change your attitude.
Stop complaining.
Change things that make you un happy.

You might be thinking to yourself now…
…”Where the fuck does she get off?!”
…”She has everything! She’s pretty, skinny and almost always happy.”

Huh Huh…WANNA KNOW WHY I HAVE and WILL EVERYTHING I WANT!?

Because it’s mine to HAVE!

Did you think life was handed to me on a silver platter?
No.
It was a cheap silver coating that starting to flake off as I got older.

God only put’s obstacles in our lives to teach and and show us what we are capable of achieving.

I couldn’t have biological children.
I found out at the young age of 36 I was pre-menapausal.
My marriage was a joke.
I tore my ACL, MCL and Meniscus in the bout of 1 sec.
The Ranch Dorito’s I bought the other day were defective and didn’t have any ‘ranch’ on them.

Hellllooooooo!!!!!

I adopted.
I adapted.
I got divorced.
I had a sense of humor.
I dipped my flavorless Ranch-less Dorito’s in ranch dressing.

It’s not always easy.
My knee aches constantly as I try to get the muscles back in my leg. Working out 2 hours at a time, doing things people with 2 good knees can’t even do.
Before I injured my knee I could stand on a stability ball. The first time I tried I fell off. I didn’t not fall off again. I WILL be able to do it again.

Relationships are complicated as a divorced 39 year old woman with 3 Children.

Every mistake in my life is mine to own. If I don’t like it…I change it.

…and I LAUGH!
…and I say what I want to say when I want to say it! NO FILTER.

When ever I feel like things aren’t fair…I look at others and what they have achieved.

One of my Besties…is 28, a mother of 2 and a Widow.
Talk about an obstacle!
She is one of the baddest bitches I know.
She doesn’t complain.
She lives everyday in a way that most people could only dream of.
She’s also one of THE most generous and loving women I know.

A bad attitude is very ugly.
A great attitude is the most beautiful thing in the world….and can change your life AND the world.

Start off slow if you need to and start smiling at random strangers.

An Inspirational story

Wanna lose weight?

I’m a skinny bitch, don’t look at me. I work out all the time and eat what I want. Sometimes I eat only one meal a day….but if I do it’s a big one!
F1, F2 and I are the same size. At the gym we weigh ourselves in front of each other. F1 is getting fat….NO she is not! She’s 128 Lbs…F2 and I weigh 118. I fuck with F1 about her “weight gain” …
Me…”Wow…we need to stay longer in the sauna.”
I read an article about Fat Talk in college the other day. Young ladies worried about their size and how their clothes fit.

Hellooooo!!!! It doesn’t end in college. We are in our thirties….I will be forty this year. I constantly worry about what I look like. I posted a pick on FB yesterday and deleted it when I got home…I thought I looked fat. I decided to post a different one instead… Holy shit I think to myself I’m in reasonable shape. I’m worried that perhaps the ‘fat around my middle’ is showing….sadly earlier that day I posted a pic of myself in a belly dancer outfit…I was wearing NO make up….I didn’t care what I looked like with no make up…all I wanted to do was look skinny!

I AM NOT a story of inspiration…I am a fucking mess.

My friend Valerie is a story of inspiration. Drive, determination…hard work!!!!
When I first saw Valerie at the Elementary school my children attend she was heavy, wore sweat pants and large t-shirts.
It always bothered be. I thought she was beautiful…I had never met her.

Note...It’s funny the standards I set for myself I do not apply to others with concerns to weight. Clothes are another thing though, sort of. I don’t care what you wear if you are my friend I will love you no matter what!
But…you can still dress well no matter what size you are. I CAN SHOP SALES LIKE NO OTHER!!! …and I will drop everything and help you if you want.

As I was sayin’…
Valerie dressed ‘fruppy’. It bothered me.

Note…She has no idea about ANY of what I’m saying…honesty is difficult. I know her but not that well and I HOPE she reads this, and will remain my friend.

Anyway…I would say to F1 and F2…
…”I want to take her shopping, I hate that she wears the same thing all the time, and she looks like shit.”

Mean girl syndrome?
No.
I had never even met her…and I wanted more for her!

One day I approached her, we had a common friend which made it easier for me…
I found out that she was in the middle of losing weight.

We became FB friends and I watched her ‘melt’ away…

PX90…
Thai Bo (However you spell it)…
Running…
And eating right...
She had a goal.

She works hard and fast and she is amazing. She inspires me to be not skinnier…but a better person. I am thankful she is in my life and I can share her story with you.
When I look in the mirror I don’t want to see the things I don’t like about my body, I want to see the things I love….Because of VALERIE!!!

She melted away.
Not with surgery.
With hard work.

Changing your way of life is not easy. She gets up before 5am and works out almost everyday! She still treats herself but does it in moderation. (I see this on her FB posts.)

Thank you Valerie. You are an inspiration to me.

Quran Burning

Some idiot preacher in Florida burnet a Quran on March 20th. I’m not gonna type out his name…he’s not worth it. It’s the same preacher that said he was going to do it last year on Sept. 11…

It had gone off almost unnoticed in the Muslim world till Karzai decided to bring it up and call for justice.

It set off protests and killings in Pakistan and Afghanistan.

What the fuck?! It’s a fucking book. This is the United States of America…we are FREE to do things that others aren’t…like burn a book. It wasn’t right.
It was done out of pure hate and bigotry.

Extreme Muslims decided KILLING people was the answer to the burning of a BOOK. It’s just a fucking book. That is all it is. It should NOT have been done but sadly it was.
It gave them more hate ammunition. Does this preacher not understand this.

I find the Islamic religion repulsive for it’s oppressive nature and ways. I find ANY religion that is oppressive revolting.

Do you know why Muslim women have to cover themselves? Because Men shouldn’t be tempted.

Note…Tempting Men is one of my absolute favorite past times.

This is all so screwed up to me. I truly don’t understand such hate in the name of religion.
We had the Crusades, they burned the Witches…I was really hoping the world could move forward.

Where do we go from here?

I’m so heart broken.

The End Of My Marriage

Sharing the most joyous moments of my life is easy.

Sharing the most painful moments are the ones I HAVE to share no matter how difficult I find it. To let you in the mess I made of my life, or the success I have created from the mess.

Note…Success is relative and perspective.

My friend sent me a text the other day…
…’Hey, can I get the name of your Lawyer and your Mediator?’
It breaks my heart but I know what she’s feeling.

Someone called me the other day…
…”I have to talk to someone…I can’t do this anymore…”
I had been waiting years for this call.

I have people come to me all the time about the possibility of Divorce for them. Sometimes it’s seems sudden…but in truth, I know it’s never sudden…

The end of my marriage was sudden…it took years though for me to find the strength to let it go.
I remember the exact moment it happened, my Ex was probably clueless.

My In-laws were visiting us in Japan. My youngest was 3 months old, and he was a surprise (a day and a half notice adoption that was unexpected). Our middle child had been with us for only 8 months and was 1 year old. My Oldest was 3 and potty training. I think it was around Thanksgiving. He was in a semi high pressure job as the XO of a Sqd. in the Air Force, in a foreign country.
I was doing my best as the XO’s spouse and the mother of three young children without family around in a foreign country.

My Mother In-Law is an opinionated person whom I don’t really know if she ever really liked me but did put up with me.
These are MY thoughts of what I THINK she thought of me…(I could be mistaken, but I doubt it.)
She thought I thought I was better than them. I had already traveled the world. My love of foods that were normal to me I tried to introduce to them when ever I got the opportunity.
I didn’t think I was better than them, I still don’t. We have just had different life experiences.
She has three children, like me…but under very different circumstances.
She had raised them in a small town in Mississippi, without family close by. (I suppose Mississippi could be like a foreign country to a woman from Philadelphia.)
She was the wife of a teacher.

On to the moment it happened...

I was doing my best with all my children and the other responsibilities I had…while my In-Laws were visiting she would constantly help me out  tell me what I was doing wrong trying to help, I KNOW this, but it was NOT helping.

Note... my Ex-In-Laws were good guests and they would help me around the house; laundry, dishes and such.

I pulled my Ex aside and I spoke with him calmly. I was at my wits end. I said…
Me…”You have to tell her to stop “helping” me. It’s NOT helping.”
I was not referring to the laundry, it was the constant “advice” that was never ending…my point of view of what she was saying was… that I was doing everything wrong...
Ex…”Maybe you should listen to her, she did raise 3 children…”
Those were his exact words. I’ll never forget it.

I knew at that moment I was not number 1. I don’t know where I was on his scale.

From that moment on everything I did became toxic. I became his “rebellious teenage daughter”.
Our relationship changed almost over night to me.
I lost weight, I coloured my hair, I kicked the box to the curb…
...and I literally threw a whole bunch of my underpants in the garbage. Nobody knows that I did this.

I still took care of ALL my responsibilities and did try and make my marriage work. I tried to make it work for 5 years. I just did it in my unconventional way.

I became a complete embarrassment to him…

There is more to this…there is his side and the 5 years I am glad I stuck around. I don’t hate him. I don’t think he hates me…for I am no longer an embarrassment and he has TOLD ME SO.

I did laugh when he said it, because it was the truth.
I went inside and cried after though.

Our personal lives our very different from each others now.
Our Children are #1 as is our communication though.

We are better off Divorced….at least I know I am.