I found a need to be off the grid for a bit. My apologize for not entertaining you, pissing you off or what have you while I have been gone.
Note…I find I like being off the grid.
So…on to the funny story.
I made an appointment with my ‘lady doctor’ for a check up.
We go through all the normal things, stir-ups, speculum, swabs and the touching of my breasts. We also discuss a myriad of topics…like…how I can quit smoking.
Yes, I smoke. I don’t like it, I think its gross and I have tried to quit but it seems I’m not a quitter.
She suggested I take Wellbutrin.
Wellbutrin is an anti-depressent that has a side effect of helping people stop smoking…I was all in.
I start taking it. The first week I took 150 milligrams and the second week I was to take 300.
I didn’t feel any different the first few days then subtle things started happening. I felt lethargic (?), blahza and everything turned foggy in my brain.
Then as I started my 300 milligrams I started changing, and not into some beautiful butterfly after a stay in a cocoon for a bout either.
Everything made me frustrated and angry. I had no drive to create anything at all. Creating is one of my favorite things in the world to do and brings me a sense of peace.
There was no peace in my brain/psyche.
Things were making me angry (?). I’m not an angry person.
Things were making me sad (?). I’m not a sad person.
I was aware of the changes in my psyche and kept track of things so they wouldn’t get out of hand. I still had my wits and knew the feelings I was having was because of the Wellbutrin.
My dreams were wicked vivid and out of control. Some of the nightmares scared the living bejesus outta me.
I had a trip planned. I was going to Mexico.
The night before I was to leave…
…As I was falling asleep it felt like a bug bit me, then another. I slapped my ankle, then my leg. I looked under the covers with disgust. There was nothing there.
I laid back down and tried to fall back asleep and every time I started to fall into the sweet abyss that is slumbering I would find myself disturbed by ‘bug bites’…where there were no bugs.
I didn’t get a lot of sleep that night.
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| Me at the Coba ruins |
I didn’t feel sad, worried or angry. I came up with a theory I’ll share later…But where I was staying was All-inclusive and KICK ASS.
Then I got a call from my ‘lady doctor’. My pap came back abnormal. I have never had an abnormal pap.
In my mind I thought I had cancer. I was completely discouraged. I hadn’t had a pap in 4 years. (I had to wait because my insurance wouldn't cover it until I had been with them for 2 years.)
I wondered how long I had cancer. Had it spread? Was I going to die?
I had to go back to my ‘lady doctor’ to have a biopsy. That word, biopsy, scared me.
I was utterly irrational.
I couldn’t focus.
I couldn’t see reality.
My dreams continued to bother me and at night I started…hallucinating.
I couldn’t pass a mirror at night. I was scared of what I would see.
Yeah…not so good.
Then it turned bad. ;)
Note…I was fully aware what was happening and going on in my mind and why. It gave me no consolation though.
It felt like there was an electric fence under my skin and it kept on ‘zapping’ (like the bug bites but the electric fence analogy is more on point).
Then I got the hives. Not in one place…all over.
I called my doctor as soon as I could.
They told me to stop taking the Wellbutrin.
I popped benadryl and had anti-histamine cream all over me for days.
I looked like I was tweaking because my skin kept ‘zapping’ me and the itchiness was driving me insane.
A week later I’m better. A few bruises where the hives had migrated.
I still have a bit of itchiness.
I didn’t quit smoking…yet. I’m still working on it, old school.
My theory on why I was ok in Mexico is a simple one. I drank margaritas on the beach, cocktails for lunch, mimosas for breakfast and for dinner…well, I think you get my drift.
The alcohol counter acted the Wellbutrin.
I know it says don’t drink alcohol while taking it…I’ve never really been known to follow direction though.
You may wonder now why I find it funny…I found it funny the whole time I was taking it…aware the whole time but not able to change my emotions.
I was a fucking TrainWreck and that’s an understatement.
I had every bad side effect you can imagine and I only covered some on this blog.
I’m back now.
I had an adventure in my Temporal lobe…what did you do this summer?
Oh…and the moral of this story is…Don’t put a person that’s NOT depressed on an anti- depressant.
