Meanwhile on the other side of the Equator there was a woman giving birth to my Daughter…
…And I didn’t know till several months later even of her existence.
This is NOT about the adoption of my Children but that which led up to it.
I remember every moment.
After my Ex and I got engaged we started trying to have a family. We thought…
…”What the hell, if something happens it happens.”
We knew what we both wanted.
About a year after we were married I knew something was wrong.
I went to see a local Doctor in Valdosta and he put my on Clomid.
Clomid is a pill you take orally, it was supposed to increase my egg production, and I’m sure it did.
I took it for more months than I probably should have. I was only in my mid 20’s, nothing should have been wrong with me.
Every month my
Every month I would cry like I had just lost a child.
Finally, I went to see a Fertility Specialist in Jacksonville Fl.
I would have to have surgery, not so invasive, but surgery just the same. Many women have to go through this...
2 incisions in my pelvic area and one near my belly button so they could have a look around at my insides.
I remember waiting to have my surgery. My friend Christine who was/is a Dr. in Psychology, her specialization was terminal Children…She came to see me and brought me playing cards as we caught up…
Note...I am still curious how you can go to bed at night and not cry yourself to sleep knowing, soon your patient is going to die. She’s always been amazing and her career choice…well, that makes her even more incredible.
They blew up my Belly with gas and perused my insides.
The Doctor found a little more than a regular amount of Endometriosis but other than that I was normal.
On the 3 hour drive home I remember feeling like I had to go to the bathroom I was so uncomfortable. The gas was pressing still on my blatter.
I made my appointment to see my Doctor to discuss my/our options…
I was 27 and healthy. I had options.
Artificial Insemination otherwise known as the Turkey baster method was my/our choice.
In my first blog about Adoption I skirted through how it didn’t work…I’m gonna go a little more in-depth now...
I injected myself with the drug Follistim everyday for a couple of weeks timed with my
Follistim, like Clomid, made me grow more eggs than I normally would hopefully giving me/us a better chance at conceiving a Child.
A week or so before I was getting ready to ovulate my abdomen would start to itch…
…I could FEEL these eggs growing inside of me pushing against my skin.
About a week before I was supposed to Ovulate I would head every other day to Jacksonville, 3 hours away, by myself so my Doctor could check on my egg situation.
Vividly I recall laying on the table my legs up and spread, cold in the stirrups…every other day he would insert a dildo shaped sonogram device into me. On the monitor we would look at the amazing amount of eggs I was producing.
When they were ready I would inject myself with yet another drug to release all my amazing eggs so I could be inseminated with my then husbands sperm. Then I would lay there.
The first time I/we tried I said to my Doctor right after he had inseminated me…
…”So you gonna call me in the morning?”
I thought I was hilarious.
Inevitably, 2 weeks later I would be crying and sometimes throwing things, soft plush-able things that wouldn’t break…
Every month my heart would sink and then it would rise again as I gave myself/us yet another chance…My eggs were amazing.
His Sperm was fine.
It was all Me though…something was/is wrong with my body.
People sometimes ask me if I’ve ever been pregnant before.
No, I never have.
…When I was younger I felt like a failure.
I cried once a month for years on out.
Half of a Woman unable to do that which would propagate my then Husbands ’self' and make him eternal…
...by giving birth to his Child.
The psychological ups and downs of not being able to conceive a Child can damage a Woman.
Then you have to ask your Spouse for the gift of life…via someone else.
…And if you are reading this and you have/had these issues…
…I have found out that…
One does not become Maternal by giving birth to a Child.
One becomes Maternal when a Child is placed in your arms and you call Your Child by their name.
My DNA will never go forth…
…but…
…My Children I truly believe I would have given birth to. They would have just come to me in different bodies.
I love the bodies they came to me in though. Each of them so precious and special, full of Love and independence. Gorgeous each of them…No really, they are some super fantastic, handsome and beautiful, great little beings.
Our story is Our’s and I know it’s precious and makes us who we are today.
My Children’s names are BrownNut, LoveBug and LittleGuy. They are my children and I am their Mother…
…And one more bit of advise…
Please don’t tell someone who is adopting because of infertility…
…”Oh, I know so and so and as soon as they adopted she got pregnant.”
It doesn’t help at all. It doesn’t give someone hope like you might think.
…it makes them remember the feelings of failure they have with their bodies that they have been trying to overcome for years.
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