Just Show The Fuck Up…And I’ll Be Fine, I Think.

Last night I unloaded on a Man I hardly know, via text. It’s something I rarely do but lately everything I have been through regarding Men has made me question myself and what it is about me that Men find so easy to reject.
I know rejection is a strong word. This is how I see it and it happens to me over and over.
Perhaps it started when My Ex rejected my feelings and I found out I and my feelings were not a priority.
…..
Men scare the shit out of me sometimes. I’m not physically afraid of them…I’m afraid of the unspoken boundaries and where I belong in their lives. I’m afraid of stepping on their toes and ruining the remote semblance of any relationship I even have a chance of having with them.

I asked my girlfriend…
…”I just wanna ask him if he’s even ‘into’ me. ‘Cause I can’t tell at all.”

Note...If I am even thinking that perhaps he’s ‘not that into me’, then he probably isn’t right?
Oh, but I’m a dreamer.

I had my big party Friday night and my date sent me a text around 7pm…the party started at 7:30…
He wasn’t gonna be able to make it. He had a legitimate reason. I played it as cool as I could. F1 and F2 were already at my place though and they could see I was visibly upset.
I had foreseen that he wouldn’t be there so I had mentally prepared myself for the inevitable. It still hurt though.

If I told you how many times I have been stood up it would probably shock you. Each time it happens I do my best to not let people know how much it bothers me. Inside though it tears me up and I wonder if there will be enough glue or tape to put me back together. I’m falling to pieces here.

This isn’t the first time I’ve run into this problem.

When I invited Huckleberry out for date night I KNEW he wasn’t gonna make it.

The night of date night that he decided not to go I had given him an out. (maybe I shouldn’t have been so kind. Although now I’m glad I did and I got to know his person better because of it.) I knew he had been through something ‘personal’ but it was over and done…in my eyes he just was looking for a reason not to come out with me…in public.

http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2011/04/my-social-life.html

I heard from Huckleberry… a few days later via text...
…’Checked into ur site for the first time in forever.saw my nickname. And saw that we fought? I didn’t remember us fighting. Are the facts of all your posts So inaccurate? Surprised but not really…As long as u feel guide about you, right? Who cares about anyone else? Goodnight.’

I have not responded to Huckleberry’s text. It’s my blog, my point of view…and he has no idea how much he hurt me when he judged me. He can deny that he judged me to himself but it all came down to my life and how I live it…

I just feel that men think I’m invulnerable or maybe they just don’t care about the fact that I DO have feelings.
One of my single girlfriends and I have compared our relationships…
Her...she has had the nicest boyfriends…they are generous, kind and pay her attention.
Me…"I’m just happy they show the fuck up"….and usually it’s on their own time schedule, not mine.

Then there was this other time when I had invited a friend over who I had been in home dating (code word booty call) off and on for sometime…we had shared a lot with each other and a lot of time together as well. Then our relationship ended and I would only hear from him when he was having problems with his girlfriends. I was never his girl friend.
So I had invited him over for dinner, he accepted. The time comes and I wait and wait…he never showed up. Just didn’t show up. He told me later he thought it would be better to not show up than create drama. Really?!
He probably would have created LESS drama by letting me know ahead of time so I wouldn’t have gone to through cooking and cleaning.
Oh…I heard from him Saturday night…He’s probably having girl friend issues again…I will most likely hear from him this weekend as well…He will NOT be invited over.

So back to last night…
…maybe now you can see why I have felt so rejected by Men. Afraid to even ask them a simple question that might be construed as…
…”Here we go again…another female with issues.”

I don’t want a key to your place and I sure as hell don’t want you to have a key to mine.
I don’t want to move in or get married…

I have set my standards so low all you have to do is…

…just show the fuck up…and on-time would be nice…DO this and the Unholy Trinity of Me, Myself and I wouldn’t HAVE any issues.

Note…my guy friend handled me and the mess that I am very well. Although now I know there is a chance that I won’t hear from him again…I HAD to put it on the line, finally, and not be scared. I figure I’ve handled this much rejection I suppose I can take more.