Sharing the most painful moments are the ones I HAVE to share no matter how difficult I find it. To let you in the mess I made of my life, or the success I have created from the mess.
Note…Success is relative and perspective.
My friend sent me a text the other day…
…’Hey, can I get the name of your Lawyer and your Mediator?’
It breaks my heart but I know what she’s feeling.
Someone called me the other day…
…”I have to talk to someone…I can’t do this anymore…”
I had been waiting years for this call.
I have people come to me all the time about the possibility of Divorce for them. Sometimes it’s seems sudden…but in truth, I know it’s never sudden…
The end of my marriage was sudden…it took years though for me to find the strength to let it go.
I remember the exact moment it happened, my Ex was probably clueless.
My In-laws were visiting us in Japan. My youngest was 3 months old, and he was a surprise (a day and a half notice adoption that was unexpected). Our middle child had been with us for only 8 months and was 1 year old. My Oldest was 3 and potty training. I think it was around Thanksgiving. He was in a semi high pressure job as the XO of a Sqd. in the Air Force, in a foreign country.
I was doing my best as the XO’s spouse and the mother of three young children without family around in a foreign country.
My Mother In-Law is an opinionated person whom I don’t really know if she ever really liked me but did put up with me.
These are MY thoughts of what I THINK she thought of me…(I could be mistaken, but I doubt it.)
She thought I thought I was better than them. I had already traveled the world. My love of foods that were normal to me I tried to introduce to them when ever I got the opportunity.
I didn’t think I was better than them, I still don’t. We have just had different life experiences.
She has three children, like me…but under very different circumstances.
She had raised them in a small town in Mississippi, without family close by. (I suppose Mississippi could be like a foreign country to a woman from Philadelphia.)
She was the wife of a teacher.
On to the moment it happened...
I was doing my best with all my children and the other responsibilities I had…while my In-Laws were visiting she would constantly
Note... my Ex-In-Laws were good guests and they would help me around the house; laundry, dishes and such.
I pulled my Ex aside and I spoke with him calmly. I was at my wits end. I said…
Me…”You have to tell her to stop “helping” me. It’s NOT helping.”
I was not referring to the laundry, it was the constant “advice” that was never ending…my point of view of what she was saying was… that I was doing everything wrong...
Ex…”Maybe you should listen to her, she did raise 3 children…”
Those were his exact words. I’ll never forget it.
I knew at that moment I was not number 1. I don’t know where I was on his scale.
From that moment on everything I did became toxic. I became his “rebellious teenage daughter”.
Our relationship changed almost over night to me.
I lost weight, I coloured my hair, I kicked the box to the curb…
...and I literally threw a whole bunch of my underpants in the garbage. Nobody knows that I did this.
I still took care of ALL my responsibilities and did try and make my marriage work. I tried to make it work for 5 years. I just did it in my unconventional way.
I became a complete embarrassment to him…
There is more to this…there is his side and the 5 years I am glad I stuck around. I don’t hate him. I don’t think he hates me…for I am no longer an embarrassment and he has TOLD ME SO.
I did laugh when he said it, because it was the truth.
I went inside and cried after though.
Our personal lives our very different from each others now.
Our Children are #1 as is our communication though.
We are better off Divorced….at least I know I am.
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