I prepared for parenthood for 7 very disheartening years in my ultimate goal to be a Mother.
http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2010/11/adoption-yes-i-have-serious-side.html
How I became a Mother though is neither here nor there…Because the Judge said they are Mine...All MINE!!!…
Our jobs as parents is to teach our Children how to be good, independent, productive members of society.
I don’t understand the Helicopter Mom’s (I’m NOT referring to MY Helicopter Mom’s…you Jollylicious Women) or the ones that fill their Children’s schedules so they have no time to be a Child.
They will grow up one day and their lives will be filled with mandatory things to do and places to be…
My Children have a soccer game once a week, thankfully they are all on the same team this year. They also have piano lessons...once a week.
Music is mandatory fun in our world.
…As are Justin Bieber dance parties.
It’s summer right now and do you know how they fill there time?
I make them play outside.
Note…My daughter just walked past me, behind her back she is hiding something…
Me…”What are you doing?”
Her…”Making a mud pie.”
Me…”Oh, well don’t get to dirty we have to go grocery shopping.”
 |
| Always wear a helmet. |
They burn their names in to sticks with a magnifying glass…
They tie garbage cans to skateboards to ride down my hill...
 |
| She forgot her helmet |
They play like children should.
They argue, they fight, they even play War.
It’s also our job as Parents to teach them everything we know…
At a very young age I taught them a couple things…
1.
Me…”What do I know?”
Them…”Everything.”
Note…I lied to them. They have caught on.
2.
Them…”Thanks Mom your the best.”
Note…that is how they have to thank me…it’s always in an exacerbated tone…but it makes ME happy.
…but what if what you were best at was pissing people off, swearing and spinning magical spells?!
BWHhhahahahhahhahhaa!!!!
When my middle Child, Love Bug, was 5 and in Kindergarten he had to write about…
…”The one thing you are not allowed to do in your house.”
To the dismay of his teacher he wrote…
…’The one thing you are not allowed to in our house is say the word FUCK.’
Along with his words was a self portrait and a bubble emanating from his mouth with the word, FUCK!
I’m not a traditional Mother.
I have taught them how to swear proficiently…by accident.
Her…”How old do we have to be to swear?”
Me…”17”
Her to her brothers…”Ha! Ha! I’m allowed to swear before Youooo.”-in a sing song voice.
Sometimes I feel bad for other parents…My Children are the ones that teach yours on the playground everything they have learned from me…My Bad. I don’t care though really.
They are just verbal exclamation points.
 |
| This is my Daughter Fav. book |
I let my Daughter wear what ever she wants. She is so much like me it is absurd! She is 1/2 boy 1/2 gothic chick. I buy her almost exclusively black or dark clothes because that is what she likes. I don’t make her wear dresses or bows in her hair. She picks her shoes and coats out from the boys section because she likes the selection better.
I’m not in charge of my Children on Sundays unless my Ex. is out of town, because he is in charge of their ‘Religious Instruction’. What ever I teach them every convoluted thing I know about religions. I teach them songs in Hebrew, about Buddha, Islam, all aspects of Christianity and Wicca too.
They crack me up about the Witch part. They like it.
They are always asking me to ride my broom.
Me…”If I’m gonna ride something it’s not gonna be a broom.”
It’s still over their sweet little heads.
They wont grow up scared, frightened and judgmental about others beliefs.
I don’t have a Wii.
I have one television…not even a flat screen.
They are not allowed to watch it but for an hour or so a day.
They are allowed to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
They DO each have a Ds though...
We eat dinner at the table and discuss the good and bad parts of the day. We call it…
…”Good parts bad parts.”
The other Children in our ‘hood’ who often join us for dinner also take part in this ritual.
I don’t make them eat vegetables if they don’t want. I figure I see what they eat…they’re getting all the nutrients they need as far as I can tell…and well, my ‘little guy’ is not gonna waste away any time soon.
Chocolate and Candy are special treats…
…as is soda.
Homemade fruit breads are a norm…as is homemade jams.
If you are thirsty get a drink of water from the tap…
…no you can’t have juice…if you want something fruity eat a piece of fruit!
On to Poop removal…
Years of changing diapers I thought I was done. However with boys that like to fill the toilet tank with idiotic amounts of toilet paper I can un-clog a toilet…lickity split! STS!!!
This picture was taken last week ———>I know you’re thinking she’s disgusting! Why on earth would someone take a picture of that? Well…I’m a writer I knew it would come in ‘handy’.
If you see me coming out of the grocery store. I won’t have those re-usable bags…I NEED the plastic ones so I can layer 3 to 4 of them. I stick my hand in them grab the paper... ‘cause no way that ‘shit’ is gonna all flush… with more bags standing by…
Enough about poop…
This advise is for one of my sisters who is about to POP!
No baby ever died from crying.
No matter how old your Children are…as long as they are Children keep them on a good schedule for bed…
…for 2 reasons
1.
Children thrive with a good bed time routine.
2.
You will have more quiet time for yourself.
A bandaid can fix almost anything.
It’s only dirt and washes off.
If you are never away from them…you can’t miss them.
Note…I think THE most IMPORTANT thing about parenting is to be honest with them when they come to you with a question. They will, or should, look to you for counsel in all aspects of their lives.
You are NOT their Friend…you can be their Friend when they grow up.
I think that’s enough ‘shitty parenting advice ‘ for now.
Ps
I love my Mom and Dad. They taught me everything I know and gave me the greatest Childhood you could have dreamt...
http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2011/02/reel-to-reel.html
No comments:
Post a Comment