Palimpsest…it’s a big word I know;)

Someone new in my life…”Are you always like this?”
Me…”23/7”
…I think to myself, ‘now’

I’ve always been relatively happy, good natured and positive. That’s probably how those of you that know me think of me.
I have a friend that would tell her children, “It’s your choice, you can be happy or sad.”
It’s so true...sort of...

You have a friend in distress, upset or tired of the world; there really isn’t much you can do for them but hold their hand as they find their way. You cannot find it for them.
You cannot make a sick friend get better by making yourself sick.
You cannot not make an angry friend happier by getting angry yourself.
It doesn’t work like that.
You make chicken soup for your sick friend and a bowl of spicy chili for your angry friend…well, that’s what I would do.

When I was younger…OK…young! I lived as a free spirit as much as I could. It felt right and good. I harmed none, I hope. I dressed maybe a little different than my friends and I didn’t own a pair of khaki pants. I said what I wanted to say. I cared not what others thought.

I bought a pair of khaki pants and a sweater set one day. By my own choice. I tried so hard to fit in them it was silly. I still had that little wild side that many can attest too, but it still wasn’t me.
I had been erased, sort of. I was still there living in the guise as someone else.

I got to the point, for many reasons, that I could no longer live as the ‘me’ I had created/written the story of. I envisioned driving into on coming traffic, the calming hot bath and how the blood flows freely there.
This may be a little too deep for some of my readers because they have no idea of how sad I had become.
The front I put on was amazing, I should have won an Oscar for it. I had some friends that held my hand at this time. Some from high school that I had gotten drunk with and that left me at my door step…(That’s another blog;) Air Force friends, Wiccan friends, a loving family and my new friends here in Colorado.

It was my journey…to rediscover who I was….and then figure out what to do about it. They held my hand…tightly and never let go!

My happiness depends on no one but my self. I wanted to be happy so badly, I was so sad though…
One definition of insanity is someone who keeps doing the same thing and getting the same results, when they are looking for something different.
So, I changed my life.

Some may think me a narcissist. I think…no…I’m still here. To be a mother, a friend and some one you can talk to if you need it…I am your lock box.