My Shitty Parenting Advice

I’ve been a Mom for 9 and 1/2 loud, frustrating, lively years…years filled with scraped knees, sobbing eyes, tomfoolery and poop recovery.

I prepared for parenthood for 7 very disheartening years in my ultimate goal to be a Mother.

http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2010/11/adoption-yes-i-have-serious-side.html

How I became a Mother though is neither here nor there…Because the Judge said they are Mine...All MINE!!!…

Our jobs as parents is to teach our Children how to be good, independent, productive members of society.

I don’t understand the Helicopter Mom’s (I’m NOT referring to MY Helicopter Mom’s…you Jollylicious Women) or the ones that fill their Children’s schedules so they have no time to be a Child.
They will grow up one day and their lives will be filled with mandatory things to do and places to be…

My Children have a soccer game once a week, thankfully they are all on the same team this year. They also have piano lessons...once a week.
Music is mandatory fun in our world.
…As are Justin Bieber dance parties.

It’s summer right now and do you know how they fill there time?

I make them play outside.

Note…My daughter just walked past me, behind her back she is hiding something…
Me…”What are you doing?”
Her…”Making a mud pie.”
Me…”Oh, well don’t get to dirty we have to go grocery shopping.”

Always wear a helmet.

They climb trees, run around aimlessly, play 1, 2, 3 Not IT!…

They burn their names in to sticks with a magnifying glass…




They tie garbage cans to skateboards to ride down my hill...

She forgot her helmet

They play like children should.
They argue, they fight, they even play War.








It’s also our job as Parents to teach them everything we know…

At a very young age I taught them a couple things…
1.
Me…”What do I know?”
Them…”Everything.”

Note…I lied to them. They have caught on.

2.
Them…”Thanks Mom your the best.”

Note…that is how they have to thank me…it’s always in an exacerbated tone…but it makes ME happy.

…but what if what you were best at was pissing people off, swearing and spinning magical spells?!

BWHhhahahahhahhahhaa!!!!

When my middle Child, Love Bug, was 5 and in Kindergarten he had to write about…
…”The one thing you are not allowed to do in your house.”
To the dismay of his teacher he wrote…

…’The one thing you are not allowed to in our house is say the word FUCK.’
Along with his words was a self portrait and a bubble emanating from his mouth with the word, FUCK!

I’m not a traditional Mother.

I have taught them how to swear proficiently…by accident.

Her…”How old do we have to be to swear?”
Me…”17”
Her to her brothers…”Ha! Ha! I’m allowed to swear before Youooo.”-in a sing song voice.

Sometimes I feel bad for other parents…My Children are the ones that teach yours on the playground everything they have learned from me…My Bad. I don’t care though really.
They are just verbal exclamation points.

This is my Daughter Fav. book

I let my Daughter wear what ever she wants. She is so much like me it is absurd! She is 1/2 boy 1/2 gothic chick. I buy her almost exclusively black or dark clothes because that is what she likes. I don’t make her wear dresses or bows in her hair. She picks her shoes and coats out from the boys section because she likes the selection better.

I’m not in charge of my Children on Sundays unless my Ex. is out of town, because he is in charge of their ‘Religious Instruction’. What ever I teach them every convoluted thing I know about religions. I teach them songs in Hebrew, about Buddha, Islam, all aspects of Christianity and Wicca too.

They crack me up about the Witch part. They like it.
They are always asking me to ride my broom.
Me…”If I’m gonna ride something it’s not gonna be a broom.”
It’s still over their sweet little heads.
They wont grow up scared, frightened and judgmental about others beliefs.

I don’t have a Wii.
I have one television…not even a flat screen.
They are not allowed to watch it but for an hour or so a day.
They are allowed to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
They DO each have a Ds though...

We eat dinner at the table and discuss the good and bad parts of the day. We call it…
…”Good parts bad parts.”
The other Children in our ‘hood’ who often join us for dinner also take part in this ritual.
I don’t make them eat vegetables if they don’t want. I figure I see what they eat…they’re getting all the nutrients they need as far as I can tell…and well, my ‘little guy’ is not gonna waste away any time soon.
Chocolate and Candy are special treats…
…as is soda.
Homemade fruit breads are a norm…as is homemade jams.
If you are thirsty get a drink of water from the tap…
…no you can’t have juice…if you want something fruity eat a piece of fruit!

On to Poop removal…

Years of changing diapers I thought I was done. However with boys that like to fill the toilet tank with idiotic amounts of toilet paper I can un-clog a toilet…lickity split! STS!!!

This picture was taken last week ———>

I know you’re thinking she’s disgusting! Why on earth would someone take a picture of that? Well…I’m a writer I knew it would come in ‘handy’.

If you see me coming out of the grocery store. I won’t have those re-usable bags…I NEED the plastic ones so I can layer 3 to 4 of them. I stick my hand in them grab the paper... ‘cause no way that ‘shit’ is gonna all flush… with more bags standing by…

Enough about poop…

This advise is for one of my sisters who is about to POP!

No baby ever died from crying.

No matter how old your Children are…as long as they are Children keep them on a good schedule for bed…
…for 2 reasons
1.
Children thrive with a good bed time routine.
2.
You will have more quiet time for yourself.

A bandaid can fix almost anything.

It’s only dirt and washes off.

If you are never away from them…you can’t miss them.

Note…I think THE most IMPORTANT thing about parenting is to be honest with them when they come to you with a question. They will, or should, look to you for counsel in all aspects of their lives.
You are NOT their Friend…you can be their Friend when they grow up.

 I think that’s enough ‘shitty parenting advice ‘ for now.

Ps
I love my Mom and Dad. They taught me everything I know and gave me the greatest Childhood you could have dreamt...
http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2011/02/reel-to-reel.html

My Friends Struggle With Her Ex And Herself

I’d like to share a story of a woman who I thought had made leaps and bounds with her Ex-Husband. This is a couple I know well. I knew them while they were married. I am even closer to her now.

I have nothing against her Ex-Husband. He is a GREAT Father and honestly, he treats my friend congenial...now that they are divorced.

The other day I joined her to watch her Children play in one of their sporting events. The Children’s Father is the head Coach and he has an assistant Coach, one that was appointed to him. The Asst. Coach is a woman that he would not normally socialize with.

Note…
The Ex will be ’S’
My friend will be ‘C'
The Asst. Coach will be ‘L’

C and I are sitting on a blanket watching the game. The sun showing itself periodically from behind the fast moving clouds. The winds were bursting open thick and fast at times raising the dust from a trail near by…the grass was gentle and comfortable, kelly green in colour…

We are cheering away as the Children play…cheering for both teams as they are all working hard. Half Time arrives and the Asst. Coach, L, right in front of us , approaches, S, and asks him a question with concerns to one of the Children.

Note…There is a back story I am told, but sincerely, it is irrelevant. It wasn’t what the argument was about but how S, dealt with it.

L and S are quarreling. I look over at C and she can’t take her eyes off them. I am watching all this go down. I can see that C’s eyes are welling up and I imagine her heart is aching for L. S has a skill to make someone feel inferior, foolish and wrong. He did this to C for years. I suppose it was unknowingly, at least that’s what I want to believe. C now has a skill of her own, to hide her feelings in the deepest hollow of her soul. I know she wants to let it all out.

I want to talk to C about this but don’t want to do it till after the game. I don’t want to upset her and I know she is a proud woman who doesn’t want people to know how much she was hurt.

The game ends and I am talking to the children telling them how well they played. I see C talking to L…I can’t wait to find out what was said.

Now we are in the car. C’s Children are with her Ex so we are able to talk freely.
Me…”You ok? What happened?”
C…”No, I’m not ok. Did you see L?!”
…”Did you notice how long she was gone after the ‘issue’?”
I had noticed that L had disappeared for quite a bit.

Me…”Wanna talk about it?”

C…”...All I wanted to do was get up and get in-between the two of them and protect her from those words. I know he didn’t say anything that could have been construed as mean or derogatory…it was the WAY he said it.
I let C go on and on…
..."I couldn’t get the fuck up, I was scared to death he would say something to me. My legs were like fucking jello. Does he know how much it hurts?! When I went over to talk to her I think she realized why he was my Ex husband. She said she had to get away because she was going to cry. All those years I put up with it…I really thought I could do it now…ya, know...Stand up for another woman and not let it happen to them. It was HIM though. I can’t tell you after so many years how often I would just shut down around him. I thought I was strong enough now. I feel like, not a failure, but holy shit I have a long way to go. I won’t let that happen again...”

I can see her in the future getting in a fight with someone now. She’s a bit passionate. She’s still learning but with each hurdle she seems to be able to jump higher.

Pajama Jeans and Shape shoes

I’m calling bullshit on both Pajama Jeans and Shape shoes.

Looking good and Fashion have always been part of my life…It needs to be part of yours as well.

http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2011/03/inventory.html

They both make you look like a retard mentally slow person. If you didn’t know this and are wearing some now…well…I’m just trying to help in my quest to make MY LIFE BETTER by not having to look at YOU in them.

If you think you look good…you are in complete denial, and not all wet in Egypt with Crocodiles nipping at your toes.

First I’ll cover Pajama Jeans…




<————Is this YOU?
                  Do you look like this?
                

                       Is this YOU?———————>
                       Does your ass look like this?
                    


The whole point is to wear something comfortable that looks like jeans but are really leggings.

Note...I have and will in the future most likely wear leggings with my shirt tucked in…I CAN get away with it because I AM The Un-Holy Trinity that makes up Me, Myself and I, Kristin.

<——Me…with my shirt tucked into my leggings.





I will not wear Pajama jeans though. I wouldn’t even wear them in my home with my blinds drawn and doors locked!
…and you shouldn’t either.

Wanna be comfortable and look good? Wear a dress.

I put people that wear Pajama jean in the same category as the people that go shopping with their slippers on.

Note…Some of us Mothers in a rush to get our Children to school will wear our Pajamas and slippers as we race to the school…I have been known to do this myself…This is NOT the same as shopping at WalMart in your slippers.

Now...throw those bitches away before it’s to late.
If you chose to keep them though I will no holds bar talk smack about them…Not to hurt your feeling because I am not only doing this for my own eyes but for you as well.

I’m trying to help YOU!


Now on to those shape up shoes…



Please take note of the base of the shoe. It’s thick and curved…not to mention HIDEOUS!



They are meant to get you in shape quickly and easily as you walk around in them.

NEWSFLASH!!!
You look like a retard mentally slow person.
…AND…
The only way to get in shape is to move more, lift weights and eat a healthy diet!
There is no secret, fast way to get in shape.

I own a lot of shoes and boots. In my collection I have 7 pairs of ‘workout' shoes.
Lets say I’m in the loo (that’s a prettier word for toilet) at the gym. NO ONE will mistake me for an old lady with orthopedic looking shoes as they bend over to see if the stall is occupied or not.

These shoes have been know to cause injury to the people that wear them…because they fall over.

I’ll give you a tip on how to work on your ‘core’ that you can do in the comfort of your home...
...Instead of sitting on your ass while you watch T.V. Stand up but only on one leg and do leg lifts while alternating legs. Start with 3 reps of 15.
If you think you might fall...do it while standing next to a chair so if you think you are going to fall over you can grab on.

…Yes you may feel stupid at first but it will work and no one has to see you in your…

…”I’m cool ‘cause I think I’m gonna get in shape faster than you” …

…’cause you are NOT…you just look like a retard mentally slow person with foot problems who will fall over when I walk by you and push you over.

It Is Not Ok To Call Me A Retard

I saw a commercial the other day that frustrated me.
…
“…It’s not ok to call me a chink”
“…It’s not ok to call me a fag…”
“…It’s not ok to call me a retard…”
“…Don’t even use the word to describe yourself…” Paraphrasing here…thankfully I have only seen it once…I was offended by it.

“Every word has a fragrance: there is harmony and disharmony of fragrances and hence of words.” -Neitzsche

Well I smell something bad.

I’m not saying it’s nice to call someone a retard, you should phrase it this way…
…”You are acting retarded.”
If someone is miffed by this then they are acting retarded.
It’s the same thing as saying…
…”You are acting mentally slow.”

Perhaps you received a drunk text and couldn’t read it because it was an incomprehensible mess…
…”You were acting like a retard mentally slow person.”

Perhaps you just polished your toes and the paint is still tacky and you put closed toe shoes on…
…”I’m so retarded such a mentally slow person.”

Perhaps you are a blogger and are thinking to yourself…’That swimSuit blog has had a lot of hits…I wonder how I can get more pics of me in SwimSuits and blog about it.”…
…”Holy crap I am retarded mentally slow."
Perfectly acceptable don’t you think?

You get the gist.

The word retard means…slow
People really are medically retarded…they are slower than an average person…mentally.

Many words like “niggardly” have been morphed by people acting retarded mentally slow…or they misinterpret words because they are acting retarded mentally slow…
The word niggardly means "not generous or stingy". It has absolutely nothing to do with the word…
...Nigger…which is a another word that was morphed from the French and Spanish words for the colour black.
Niggardly per the Urban Dictionary…"word that will get you fired even though it means nothing offensive."
I’m not Black. I’m an official African American though. Should I find offense when people aren’t from Africa and call themselves African American?

Wow I digress!
My bad…

…The power of the word is mighty and causes hurt and pain but only if you let it.

I’ve been called…
…a whore (I admit…I really do like sex)
...a bitch (just means a female dog)
...a fag (just a British term for a cigarette)
...a retard (a mentally slow person)
...an Ass (I had a pet donkey growing up)
...a cunt (Yes, I do have one…and I’ll C U Next Tuesday!),

Whatever…not a damn one hurt me…

“Sticks and Stones may break my bones but names will NEVER hurt me!"

If you are offend by ANY of this…You are an idiot, acting like a retard mentally slow person…and you are stupid.

One day do you think we will not be allowed to use the word stupid because some stupid person got their panties in a wad?

Note…In a past blog about Autism and Vaccines I covered a little bit about the word “Retard”. I do understand that it offends people…but I worry about societies cock block ever controlling need to restrain peoples use of words...

http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2011/02/autism-and-vaccines.html

SwimSuits…Shopping And Pictures!

SwimSuit Shopping…
It might be THE most loathed event a woman goes through…!
Even if you have, what is perceived by others, a rocking’ Bod.

I’m going to Vegas with my girl-friends in August. I would like a new SwimSuit.
Sunday I put the "shout out” on FB to see if any one wanted to come with me on this, what I assumed would be...a catastrophe.

Note…I have no shame, this is documented. I don’t care what others think of me or my actions…
…and I wanted to give readers an insight into what plays out when me and my Peeps go adventuring out.

I get to F1's house and say…
Me…”Do you have any Grannie Panties…I need them for a stupid photo op. You know your Period underpants or something absolutely ridiculous.”
F1…”Not really, lets check…”
She had a pair of old worn out what used to probably be white but is now ecru?, cream?…which the fabric had been worn out and the elastic was showing. Perfect!
I stuffed them in my purse…my Kate Spade;)

Note…My own period Panties are black, so they just wouldn’t do.

We get on the road again to get F69 + friend and F15 is meeting us.
We rock out in my Uber cool MiniVan as we drive to “The second worst mall in Colorado Spring.”

Note…If you have a smart phone and check in on FB…that one is ours…

We prance into Macys loud and obnoxious. We are their worst nightmare.

We peruse the SwimSuits.
I’m looking for something sexy with little fabric.

Note...I have a theory about SwimSuits on my body…through my body dysmorphic eyes the more skin I have showing I think nobody will notice the cellulite or various other issues I don’t like about my body.

Me…”Holy Shit! They are all old lady styles.”

You know the ones I’m talking about…the ‘dresses’ and skorts that women wear to hide their most uncomfortable places. I feel their insecurity.

Me…”Amy, (New friend) can you hold this for a sec?”
F69…”Her name is not Amy.”
Me…”Oh fuck…I just called her Amy.”
Me…”We should call her on my blog ‘Friend Who’s Not Named Amy!’ and shorten it to ‘FWNNA’!”
Laughter ensues…more people, not having fun, leer at us.

F15 shows up while I’m in the dressing room.

Please note the awesome underpants!

I walk out in all my splendor, people all around trying not to stare at The Un-Holy Trinity, Me, Myself and I.
The men that are with their spouses are trying not to let said spouses see them gawking at me.

<——— This suit had to much fabric and would leave odd tan lines but i REALLY liked it. Thought it was sexy Fo Sho. I put it on hold.

Isn’t F15 cute!

I’m not the only one trying things on…
F15 is one of my shoppin’ buds and an amazingly smart woman…she brings home the bacon…I’m not sure who cooks it though…her or her adorable husband that likes to “Chipotle Booty Call” me for lunch while she’s busy.

<---I try on another number. I’m maybe 116 lbs and 5/7…I can even have muffin top though. YUCK!

…after a quick unsuccessful surveillance of the shoe department we decide to move on out to Dillards…

We get a little side tracked in Buckle. F69 doesn’t know a stranger…She always finds someone she knows…and I always know their Spouse!
F69’s friend is trying on jeans and wants an honest answer. I got that one! When trying on jeans a 3 way mirror is of the utmost importance….or you better have honest people around you. It’s the pocket placement that makes all the difference. Too low and your ass looks saggy.
I hope F69’s friend bought the ones I told her to.

While we are footing it around the Second Worst Mall In Colorado Springs... F15 has removed from her purse (that I was with when she bought said purse) a pair of flip flops…she a professional shopper!

At the entrance of Dillards there is a random skeleton. No lie!

This is my Onesie

We hit the shoe department first. Dillards has a better selection than Macys, always!

Several friends need a bathroom break…we split up…I don’t need one.

FWNNA and I are looking for the SwimSuits...
FWNNA…”Oh, I think they are over here.”——>

NOPE! A bunch of dresses NOBODY should be caught dead in! … and then more fun commences!

While we are gathering dresses to try on…I am walkin’ around the lowest floor trying to text my friend. Holding my phone high as my skinny arms allow scanning for reception. Resending and resending…Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?…
Me…”Holy Shit the reception sucks down here!”
I said it loud and clear…reception FOUND! I love getting my way.

The people around us were annoyed to say the least. Do they not know how to have fun and live?


















We finally find the SwimSuit department…F15…
I love her…I love the shit she’s picking up!

There is no way on the Gods green earth her boobies would be remotely covered…
...maybe she should get them…
…We are going to Vegas after all…

Note…The dress she is wearing kept slipping down, to the dismay of the Men around us she had a tube top under.



The SwimSuit selection was again disappointing so Victorias Secret it is…

On the way F69 has a thirsting for an Orange Julius…
Me…”What the hell IS an Orange Julius?”
FWNNA…”I don’t know either. What is the big deal?”

F1 and I hit the jack pot in Victorias Secret…

I bought this one.

<——it’s not a flattering pic of me but damn F1 looks fucking amazing!

Please don’t ask me what I’m doing.

Sales person…”You can’t take pictures in here.”

We had already taken a ton. Whatever, we are going to do what we want.


F69 was getting her Orange Julius and hadn’t seen the Suits in person…
I’m at the counter paying for my SwimSuit.
F69…”Can I see a pic.”
Salesperson…”You can’t take pictures in here.”
Me…”I know.”
F69 to Me in front of the SalesGirl…”Oh…just show them to me when we get outside.”
The SalesGirl face was sadly drawn and shocked.

Note…An Orange Julius is a fucking creamsicle in a cup…and delicious.

On the way home, several hours later, we decide that Sundays are shopping days…next week T.J.Maxx one of our favorite shopping stops.
The week after that we are going closet shopping hopping!

I actually like walking around in a SwimSuit. I know my body is not perfect but it’s good for me to accept and share my imperfections. I hope people see me and think…’if she can do it, I can too.’

<—This is my FB profile pic right now.





<—This is a pic of me from last year. I use it as the Profile pic for “Yeah I’m hot and I drive a minivan, ‘cause I’m cool like that.”
One of my several sites on FaceBook that I created.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Yeah-Im-Hot-and-I-drive-a-MiniVan-cause-Im-cool-like-that/115555381804568




This is the pic I just chose for my new Fan Site on FB——————>
https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Un-Holy-Trinity-Me-Myself-and-I/177690712284325





Oh…F1 sent me a text later that evening…
…’You can throw away those underwear…I don’t need them back.'

A Love Affair Through Time

The light that is Amelius looked at the souls that were procured from dimensional realms. They were revealing themselves with the power of creativity. As time went on chaos ensued.
Amelius judged these beings and they were to be made physical.

Many of these beings had come to know love and knew they would have no say in their placement on this planet. Far and wide they would be deposited, from the Gobi to the Carpathian Mountains, to Continent of Africa, to Atlantis and Lumuria.

Note…Constantine took out a lot…Who says the above wasn’t in the Bible?! That’s a rhetorical question.
http://behindthebookscover.blogspot.com/2011/01/constantinenot-keanu-reeves.html

These light beings that were cognizant of love bewitched themselves unto each other at the beginning of the new time. Manifesting the sum of all they desired.
A spell for eternity meeting in lives of past, not knowing the future foretold and taking each breath of the now and living to the fullest.

They are what we call Soul Mates but they are incomparable to the Soul Mates that people today declare themselves to be to one another.

Love is a Magic all beings long for. Young and Old souls equally.

A Young Souls love is almost as pure as the Soul Mates. They have passion the when they embrace. There is the twinkle when they gaze.

The difference though is...
The Oldest Souls hunt lifetimes anticipating a glimpse, then a touch when the opportunity presents itself to be together.
When they can’t find their Mates, one of their Real ones…they settle.
…Aching and thirsting for more.

Note…Just because you think you settled in a marriage and are not happy does not mean you are an Old Soul. You might have been young when the vows were said and just grown into different people.
We don’t know if we are the oldest of the old, not even the Un-Holy Trinity, Me, Myself and I…and I’m a “Sexual Intellectual” aka “A fucking know it all”…just ask my Mom or anyone else that has to listen to me.

…They dream of more, not perfection in a Mate, just one of the ones that They belong with, through all time.

Lifetimes and lifetimes they go alone scanning the horizons. Not living but existing until that tick in time when their Love is unleashed on this plane.

Sometimes the timing isn’t ethical or even suitable. Unable to refrain from their Love, they fight with a pain that haunts them as society discerns their actions.
They seize every moment together because of the spell they spun an eternity ago.
To know one another.

Just The First Few Days Of Summer Vacay!

Note…My Children got out of school on Friday. They were with their Dad through Memorial Day so I had a clean, quiet house until 8:00am Tuesday Morning…

Friday night:

This is my friends husband.

F1 is having a party. I plan on to spending the night.
I am late to said party because Kat’s Camper shows up and we need to attach the hitch…3 hours later…WE ARE WINNERS!!!
I head to F1’s house and she has a house FULL…I have to do my cooking there…I wanted to do it at my place but…shit happens.

Saturday:
F1’spouse has coffee for me and is making bacon…I read their paper and head on out...
Nothing to do but write and watch Dr. Who on BBC America.

Sunday:
Nothing to do but write and watch Top Gear on BBC America.

Monday:
I write in the AM and Kat shows up around 1…we get shitty drunk and talk about all the people we have lost…it’s not an average amount and we are 2 Trainwrecks. Some of the people were, well, very close to us…my old boyfriend and...worse her Husband.

Tuesday:
My Children are dropped off and see the Camper that is now parked on my side yard. I have room for it and she doesn’t.
They are shitty excited and move right into it like it’s their new house…sans the screaming Mother, me.

All the Children are playing well and end up having Ice Cream before dinner and everyone is happy.

Bob’s casa

After their REAL dinner they go back out and play.
They find an injured fledgling. (That’s a baby bird.)
I don’t know this.
It starts getting dark and I yell all their Names…The ol’ shout to come home old school Mom play.
I hear from a distance my Daughter…
E…”Coming!”
It seems they brought this fledgling to their Gym teacher that lives a couple of streets up.
Me…”What on earth are you thinking?! It’s his summer vacation AWAY from you guys!”

So now we have this bird, Bob…for the night till I can take it to the WildLife refuge.

Wednesday:
Bob doing ok. I am happily optimistic.
My friend T drops off her 2 year old so I can watch her.
We are all checking how Bob is doing…
Still good.
8:30 am and I check on Bob.
Oh Shit!!!! Mother Fucker!!! Bob is still alive….but not looking so good.
Me…”hurry up get dressed now!”
We hurry out the door and my daughter keeps asking me…
E…”How much farther?!”
I give her minute to minute updates…
We get there and by now my daughter is balling!
I hand poor dead Bob to the man behind the counter at the WildLife refuge.

The whole thing didn’t go very well.
I’m sick of animal dying around me…and my daughter is a MESS!

Oh well?
Survival of the fittest?
I really hope this is the last sad thing that will happen.

Yada, yada…My house now looks like it’s been trashed by Storm Troopers looking for Han, Luke and Leia. I think I should put my Gold Cat suit on and pretend I am C3PO walking around like a robot cleaning up after them.

We head to Costco and some jackass driving, while we are crossing in the cross walk decides my Children and I are expendable.
Mother Fucker! I put my hand up and give this shitty piece of a human some choice words at the drivers side window…When I get angry, which is NOT often...but lately to often…being that my knee still hurts…relationships are fucking retarded and well I don’t know what else but I have been a total fucking bitch the last…what? month or two?
…and some idiot is now, in my eyes having intent to harm these Children of mine that yes, frustrate me, but that I would lay my body down for….don’t fuck with my Children…I’m their MOM!
He turned around and left the parking lot.
 $169.00 later I think I’ll have enough food for my youngest to last a couple of days at least.

12:30pm
POOL TIME!!!
All my Children have done, except in public thank all the God’s, is fight with each other.
I’ve packed everything I can imagine, except candy…fruit, veggies, chips and dips…
It’s time to ‘head out like a fetus’ and my youngest can’t find his bathing suit.
This is AFTER his sister hits him in the chest.
So now I have to go to Target and buy him one.
More fighting ins-sues…
Me…”Ya know what?! I would make you all stay home as punishment but then I would have to listen to you all fight and at least at the pool I don’t have to see you.”


Note…My Children are fishes in pools and the Ocean and have been swimming on their own for 5 years now.

E…”WHAT?! You don’t want to see us?”
Me…”I’m sick of the fighting. This is gonna be one long summer if you all don’t get your act together!” (For ME!)
I explain how I can love them and still be frustrated with them at the same time.

On the way to the store another idiot driver I encounter…they have forgotten their vehicle came with an INDICATOR...to let me know they are turning, so I don’t have to play some guessing game…They don’t use it and almost stop on the road to make a turn…They must know I have some awesome psychic abilities ‘cause I was not driving in “close formation” which is my norm.

We get to Target.
E looks at me shoeless.
Really?! I told them ALL to put their shoes on!
Then I see that my middle…sweet love bug…decided he didn’t need shorts…
I am gonna go insane! (He has just his bathing suit on but nothing to change in to after his shower after the pool)…I got this!)

So I leave the 2 older ones in my MiniVan and head in with the youngest…
With a STRONG warning that if they touch any of my shit I will kill them.
You as the reader can use your imagination as to my exact wording….but if you know me…you know it was ‘colourful’ to say the least.
Don’t worry, I cracked the window.

At the pool…
Peace with my girl friends but by this point I want to ask who brought the fucking vodka.
F1, F2, F4 and SF…

F1, F2 and SF and I are heading to Vegas in August with probably a couple of other Moms in need…
So we start planing our outfits…
F1…”Well we have the cabana reserved for Saturday so anyone we like we can invite them on sat…”
We chat…
F1, F4 and SF have to leave for music and gymnastics practice…

F2 and I are sitting there and she says to me…
…”You were a lot nicer on your pain meeds. You should try to get back on them!”

7:47 now…I can hear almost all the Children gathered in my hood playing up the street…
And I am hoping assorted berries, pastries and yogurt are ok for dinner.