Women Of A Certain Age

I have a friend that blogs…she’s my age and wears Trifocals
This is her latest entry…

http://losgatosdelinfierno.wordpress.com/2011/02/27/i-can-see-clearly-now/

I like her stuff, she’s witty woman...Simper FI!

Old is really perspective. I look young-ish (perspective), dress younger than I should (someone call Stacy and Clinton!) and I have a youthful attitude (maybe a more ‘who the fuck cares attitude' would be appropriate) …there are somethings that are not so young about me though...

As we women get older our bodies start turning to shit.

We gain weight we don’t want in places that horrify us…
…and we have to work out 3 times as hard to look twice as good as we did when we were in our twenties.

She got me thinking about what happens when I put my glasses on and the things I see clearly…

I hate going in my downstairs bathroom wearing my glasses. I’ll go in to pee and after I will wash my hands (I had to tell you that…because maybe you want to be like me (you will change your mind about wanting to be like me towards the end of this blog)….and if you want to be like me you wash your hands after you use the loo, that be the toilet my friends.) While I am washing my hands I inevitably gaze at my reflection in the mirror above my sink.

What greets my spectacled eyes is little black hairs at the corners of my all the sudden frowning mouth. I pick up the tweezers and start plucking away. I’m thankful to see them…so I can get rid of them.
Who else has seen them and didn’t tell me?!

When I am in the shower and shaving my legs I usually only shave the lower half…every couple weeks I’ll do my thighs. In the winter I pay no attention to detail…in the summer however things are different.

In the light of a bright day my very, very short wearing self will discover black hairs that I didn’t notice…
…I panic.
There are about 7 or 8 of them on the back of my thighs. I’m on my ass in front of my computer so much these not so little black hairs have gotten impacted into my thighs and there is no way I could have shaved off those mother fuckers.
My answer to my dilemma is simple.
As soon as the opportunity presents itself I head to my bathroom, put my legs up on the counter as I sit on my non-Japanese style toilet (I really want one of those one day)…Tweezers in one hand and a mirror in the other I proceed to rid the back of my thighs of my nemesi…nemese’s…nemisisis…(?)

There are so many other things other than black hairs that change on and in our bodies it can be a bit depressing.

I’m only 39. I’m pre-menopausal though…it’s early onset and a pain in my ass. (It doesn’t really make my ass hurt, it’s a figure of speech. So far my ass has been sparred any dire issues.)

Sweat glands…
The ones under our arms…
Last year I couldn’t stop the sweating under my arms. Antiperspirants didn’t work. I had sweat dripping off my elbows…this is NOT an exaggeration. I felt like a the God’s had played some lousy practical joke on me. I showed those mean old God’s...I fixed it, by being stuck under my arms with a needle filled with Botox, about 30 times under each arm. I cringed each time my Doc inserted the needle…not because of the pain but because I couldn’t stop thinking about how fabulous my face would look if I were using all that money on my wrinkled fivehead!

Pimples…
I used to have this face that was unblemished. With great infrequency I had to deal with pimples.
Now…I often have to go to sleep with toothpaste dotting my jaw line. Stress and out of sink hormones have made me look like a juxtaposed Dalmatian bitch as I climb into my bed at night. Thankfully no one has yet seen me climb into said bed at night to see this sad nightly event…although I do find myself laughing at my echo.
I used the word ’echo' because I feel like an echo of my former self these days.

Now on to our Vaginas…
My friend calls me up the other day, she’s a few years older than me and going through some of the same stuff…her issues are worse than mine at the moment.
Her…”So I went to the Doctor the other day my vagina wouldn’t stop itching!”
Me…”Yeah, a Doctor visit was a good idea in a case like that.”
Me…”What’d he say?”
Her…”Not in these words but he said I just have an old dried up pussy.”

I have had my period, lightly speaking, for about 5 months-ish. I don’t have a boyfriend but I do have a man in my life. (One day I would like him to be my boyfriend and I know he’s reading this and I am cracking my pre-menopausal self up…Can a pre-meopausal woman have a BOYfreind?) I feel worse for him than I do for me. Well, I feel bad for both of us. (He has never seen me climb in my bed looking like a juxtaposed Dalmatian bitch.) It takes a big man to deal with a woman like me, all my getting older issues and vanity.

If a man is gonna be by my side he needs to wear a size 17 1/2 shoe…he will need to have really good balance ‘cause this Libra has lost all of hers…hormonal and all!

Getting older is shitty. Keeping a perspective and mostly a sense of humor is my key to happiness…’cause it’s just gonna get worse from here!